What I Learned from the Academy Awards

Or Knew but Had Forgotten:
I love Tim Gunn.  Still.Keith Urban is a short shit!James Franco sucks as a host, but I'm willing to overlook that.Anne Hathaway embodies every chick-lit heroine ever created, and I'm not willing to overlook that.Kirk Douglas is cooler now than he ever was before.This is what passes as a profound statement in Hollywood: "You know a screenplay is good when the writer's words float through your mind and go straight to your heart."Jake Gyllenhaal doesn't seem nearly as hot as he did in Brokeback Mountain, although I still say he's gay.Billy Crystal needs a hairdresser who doesn't make the back of his head look flat, and a writer who doesn't make him seem like a throwback to Borscht Belt comedians.Gwyneth Paltrow=>authentic country singer; K.Z. Snow=>authentic gay author.I like Randy Newman.  Still.One of my favorite songs has always been Lena Horne's "Stormy Weather."Oprah's fame+money combo is apparently a Golden Ticket to many elite places.  I'm surprised she didn't show up with Donald Trump.I wish I had Annette Bening's face.  (She can keep Warren Beatty, though.)I wish I had Celine Dion's voice.I wish I could think on my feet, and in a dress, as well as Sandra Bullock.According to the director of The King's Speech, there is such a thing as "a triangle of man love."  (But then we already knew that, didn't we?)Colin Firth is funny.I'm sick of seeing Steven Spielberg (and still hate E.T.)From the Best Picture montage: I love the second or allegretto movement of Beethoven's Symphony No. 7, my favorite of all his symphonies. It makes my skin shiver over my muscles and my muscles shiver over my bones.On a related note, it brought back these terms: exposition, development, recapitulation. (Sorry, but I've been a classical music slut since fifth grade!)I just pissed away a few hours of my life.