Where Do I Go From Here?

I debated all night whether to write this blog, but as it has bothered me that long, I felt it was something I needed to do. If you’ve been following my writing career and such, you know I’ve been writing for most of my life, but only recently began self-publishing. Before that, I’d had one story published in an anthology and had written a few guest articles for a newspaper. The thing is, I’ve been writing, though, in one form or another since I was a teenager.

What I write has evolved, as it does with most who are serious about this profession. I began with children’s stories – bits of fluffy, feel-good fiction aimed at the under ten age group. These stories began as an extra credit effort for an English class, but I continued with them for my own children. It was one of those stories, "The Reading Railroad," which was included in an anthology. I enjoyed writing them, but never had a paid publication of any of my children’s books. They’ve been sitting in a file for years, now, and I’ll most likely not revisit them.

My next phase of writing began when I got the job as a copywriter for the local newspaper. When the owner of the paper realized I loved to write, he allowed me to do a few articles, take a few pictures, etc. Again, it was a sideline thing. My main job was to set the weddings, engagements, obits, AP articles, etc. I worked for $6 an hour and was raised to $6.50 before I left the job to move to another state. That was when I finally decided to sit down and seriously write my first novel. As I loved reading fantasy romances, or any romances, actually, that was what I wrote. That story was never accepted by a publisher, and is the only novel I’ve ever submitted to the mainstream publishing houses. After more rejections than I care to remember, it languished for a decade before I bought myself a Kindle Fire and downloaded a free book about publishing eBooks.

That free book began my journey as a romance writer who self publishes. I can still remember the nerves when, after my first two M/F fantasy romances, I wrote a menage. It was a full menage, with a woman and two bisexual men. Why did I write it? Because that was what the characters wanted. Why was I nervous? Because I live in the belt buckle of the Bible Belt, and I was terrified of how it would be received. Afterwards, I went back to M/F romances with my next two books, although one had a bit of bestiality kink when a character shifted in the middle of sex. Again with the nerves. My first man on man romance was so far out of my comfort zone I wasn’t even on the same continent. I didn’t set out to become an M/M author. I just had a character that needed his story told, and regardless of who I put him with, she wasn’t the right one. His love needed to be a ‘he’ not a ‘she’.

Which brings me to where I am today and what kept me awake last night. Like I said, I never set out to break into the M/M romance genre. It wasn’t really my goal or a need to support the LGBTQ cause, just characters who wanted their story told. What came out of that first M/M story, though, was online friendships with other authors of the genre and a love of reading M/M romance. It also led to my stepping completely out of my own closet and acknowledging my bisexuality. Still on the fence as to whether that was a good or bad thing.

The thing is, I wasn't 'cashing in' on a burgeoning genre off the backs of a community that has already been stepped on enough. But, neither have I given any of my profits to the LGBTQ causes or gone out of my way to publicly support them because that’s what I thought I was doing already – by writing stories where gay and bisexual characters got an HEA. As far as cashing in? Honestly, I haven’t. Writing does not provide a living for me. There hasn’t been a profit. There hasn’t even been enough to pay for the cost of publishing. I do this because I love it, not because it supports me.

I value the friendships I’ve gained, even though they are online and I’ll more than likely never meet up with any other authors in person. I’ve gained insight into the struggles of being gay in a world where many still consider it a sickness or choice. It wasn’t like that for me because I could simply pose as a heterosexual woman and few knew otherwise until I outed myself. Although, I did tentatively explore my sexuality, I never stepped very far from my closet. But doubts have been planted in my mind that I’m using the LGBTQ community and their struggles when I write. I don’t knowingly use others and I spent an entire night wondering if that’s what I was doing when I wrote my M/M stories and published them. I’m at a crossroads, now, wondering if I should go back to M/F. It feels as if I’m being asked to step back into my closet, and frankly, after nearly 55 years, that closet is just way too small and I have no desire to ever go back. This decision isn’t going to be an easy one.