My Epiphany

I’m going to preface this blog with the statement that no alcohol was involved in the writing of this post. That being said, read at your own risk.

Yesterday I was out doing a little shopping with my youngest sister. Since we had to get some things from the local Walmart where my daughter works, we stopped in her department to chat. She happened to be working in lady’s underwear at the time, so, of course, me being me, I launched into a diatribe about women’s underwear being designed only for tiny women. The things are torture devices when you’re my size. Really. I’m best described as full-figured, with an emphasis on the “full”. At my age, I prefer comfort over looks, and the selection of comfortable underwear is not great. Actually, it’s nonexistent.

My daughter has learned to ignore me. She’s really good at it, since she’s been doing it for over twenty years. My sister, however, wanted to help. I hate panties. They do not design them to do anything other than crawl up one’s ass. Constantly. Bikinis, briefs, hip huggers, even the so-called boy shorts do not stay put. Not when you’re a fuller figured woman. Don’t even get me started on those little lacy “cheeky” things. Thongs are out, as well, since they are meant to ride the crack of your ass. Who wants that? And at my size - it’s not a sexy thing. As I explained all this to my sister and showed her how even the boy shorts they make for women do not have enough length to the leg, she said “Why don’t you just buy men’s?” Huh? Why, indeed? So I did. I now have a package of men’s boxer briefs and OMG! WTF you guys? How come you get comfortable underwear and women don’t?

And that was when I had my epiphany. I don’t get them often, but this one was a real gem. This is why the majority of women in the books I read are cranky bitches. They’re wearing women’s underwear. After picking cloth out of the crack of their asses their entire lives, of course they’re cranky and mean. This wonderful epiphany has led to the following decisions regarding my writing:

1. Only the bad guys (and girls) are going to wear underwear. That gives them a reason to be bad, right?

2. No heroes or heroines will ever have to wear underwear. They get to be comfortable and happy.

3. When I’m writing, I don’t have to wear underwear either. Seriously! Try plotting out a book when every time you stand up to get a drink or go to the bathroom, you have to pluck at a wedgie. The struggle is real.