Why discussing tragedy and death with children is essential
Parents should protect their children, but sometimes the best way to protect them from pain is by exploring stories of pain and hardship together.
When another tragedy hits the news and children catch on to it, too many adults will go out of their way to change the subject or gloss over what happened. This sends entirely the wrong message.
Children see and hear more than they are often given credit for. Even young children can sense tension in the adults around them and know that something is wrong. But without a context, they cannot understand why other people respond to news by getting angry or crying. Worse still: without context, children cannot understand what a tragic event means, and so they cannot learn to develop their own feelings, thoughts and response to such events.
If parents are not willing to provide that context, then children will try to find answers themselves. Without help, without guidance, that can be a truly traumatic experience for them. Once that happens, brushing off the subject as “that’s not for kids” only does more harm.
So, talk with them.
Talking with a child about pain, loss and tragedy when they are confronted with it gives a child confidence. Confidence that it is okay to feel sad or scared by what happened, and that other people feel the same way.
And, more importantly, discussing such subjects will give them the confidence that if they ever feel lost or scared, they can turn to their parents for comfort and understanding.
That confidence is the essence of safety to a child. This safety is much stronger than the false security created by avoiding unsettling subjects or pretending that they need not worry about it. Because they do worry.
Kids already know that bad things happen. What they need is to learn how to deal with the emotions that evokes. That will help them become more secure and more mentally stable throughout their lives.
Written in response to The Washington Post article “Why I let my children read books about upsetting things” by Suzanne Nelson.
