Cautionary Poly submission

@polyrolemodels​ are currently doing a line of blog posts

Cautionary Poly: Teachable Moments in Polyamorous Relationships is a special feature of Poly Role Models. The goal of this feature is to highlight the fact that successful polyamory isn’t always free of mistakes…and those mistakes can definitely be gained from. Now accepting submissions. Just send me a message to get the ball rolling. 

and so I’ve been thinking for a while about which one I’d like to tell, how to frame it, etc. Then, earlier this week, the perfect opening happened. So here’s kind of an early draft of what I’d like to share–

He says, “So that led to T and I having this amazing conversation about boundaries, what we were and weren’t okay with each other doing.”

I goggle at him. “What? You haven’t had that conversation yet? How haven’t you had this conversation yet?”

He looks at me with this bemused expression. He’d had longer to think about this than me., but I realise my mistake only a moment later. “Shit. We haven’t had that conversation yet.”

“No,” he says. “We haven’t.”

So we do. We go through boundaries, what makes us comfortable, what makes us uncomfortable, people who are off limits, how we’d like to be told about potential new love interests. 

I say, “Me and my boy have a veto rule, but we can only use it before love has been said.”

He says, “I’m not sure I like the word veto. Maybe for us we word it as more of something that we keep in mind out of consideration for each other.” Then he paused. “That’s just what you said in a slightly different way.”

“It is,” I agree. “With an added grey area.”

He harrumphs. “I don’t like grey areas.”

I say, “There is a reason for each answer that I have given you in this conversation. You can ask the reason for any of them, if you want to.”

So he says, “Okay. What’s the reason for that one?”

And I say, “I told my ex no regarding this particular person. Months later, I had to sit in a kitchen while he told me that he’d just found out his feelings for that person were reciprocated. I didn’t know how to say no to him again. So I just didn’t say yes, and hoped. I mean, he knew my concerns…” I shake my head, not knowing how to finish. “Consent is such a tricky area anyway…”

He looks at me a long while, then takes my hand with a crooked smile. “You’re right,” he says. “Veto is a good word. Let’s use that.”