Daisy Speaks

This is Daisy the yellow lab speaking. All my life I've listened to "Mom" make false and unkind allegations against me. I've hijacked this blog. It's my turn to have a say, which isn't easy when you have to type with paws. She can have the blog back if she meets my conditions.

Condition #1: More Bully Sticks

Whine, whine, whine—Mom won't stop whining about how I chew things up. Wooden spoons, Bible covers, retainers, reading glasses, but can you blame me? Aside from the fact that they're tasty, I'm a lab. I need to chew. All the time. Give me bully sticks and lots of them. I love those pressed meat by-product sticks o' goodness. Who wouldn't?

Condition #2: More Play

Sure, I get a couple walks a day, and Mom lets me chase the Magic Light—she calls it a laser pointer, but I call it the little red dot of joy. But the Magic Light only comes out for half an hour a day! Can you believe it?

Condition #3: More Belly Rubs and Ear Scratches

Who could resist this lovely belly? These soft floppy ears? Mom can. Would you believe she prefers that lighted box thingy and tapping her fingers on those little squares—to rubbing my belly? She stares at that screen like some stupid cat—and believe me, cats are stupid. Mom needs to get a life.

Condition #3: Heated Pool

A girl needs her daily swim to keep her figure svelte. But come on, Mom, I get in the pool and have to get right out! It's February. The pool is cold. I need to swim. Enough said.

Condition #4: Full Access to the Down Comforter

You get the cozy bed with the down comforter. I get the pillow on the floor. Does that sound fair to you? This needs to change now.

Condition #5: Equal Time on Facebook

That's the American way, isn't it? You accuse me. I deserve a rebuttal. Equal space, that's all I ask.

There's more, but my paws are sore. And I need to chew something. And this "mouse?" It's not an actual mouse. It does have a piquant aftertaste, however.