It’s Time To Get Real

I haven’t written a post like this in a while, and quite honestly- I’m scared shitless to even begin to write this. Why? Because it’s putting myself out there. It’s showing how vulnerable I am and it’s a pretty scary thing to do when so many people look up to you. Yet, I also made it a point to share my journey with you all when I started my IG account. I remember so desperately wanting to know that people like Miranda Kerr and Gisele had bad days. That they binged. I wanted to know that they felt this way and were able to get over it, so that I know I too, could do it. So, with that being said, it’s time to get real and share what’s been going on.

Recently, I’ve received some comments from people saying how my posts seem really sad on Instagram and that when I am meaning to write something positive, there is a sadness to it. I’m getting questions asking if I’m okay.

The truth is, I’m not. I’m really scared about my future and just like everyone else, I don’t always know what I’m doing. I have a book coming out in 2 months and I am crazy scared about this. It’s the biggest achievement I have to date, yet the most pressure I’ve felt. What happens if I don’t get my engagement up and people don’t buy the book? What if the media decides not to feature me? What if I don’t sell half of what I need to and my publisher realizes they fucked up giving me a contract? These are all terrifying thoughts that keep coming into my mind and they scare me. I realize that fear is a creation of the mind and that in order to get over it, one must focus on the good and everything positive in life. I feel a tad overwhelmed though and I have been letting fear get the best of me.

My life has become chaotic and through all of this, I’ve been looking to food for comfort. I’ve gone back to slight food binges and although it’s mainly healthier options, it’s still a loss of control when it comes to eating. I’m doing it because I need comfort. I need someone to just hug me and tell me it’s going to be okay. I need to cry and admit that I feel like I’m drowning. All of this has caused me to not eat as I should, which has then had the effect of not working out and gaining some weight. So the perpetual cycle continues of feeling like shit, which leads to more self doubt and more fear.

I told myself on January 1 that 2016 would be an amazing year, but the first month royally kicked my ass. I had so many meetings that sucked my energy. I didn’t make money. I questioned what I’m doing with my life. I pondered why I feel so alone. I started eating bad and feeling sorry for myself.

But today is a new day. It is February 1. I sit here on a Monday morning (it’s kind of awesome having the new month fall on a Monday honestly) and I have chosen to stop feeling sorry for myself. I have made a green smoothie for breakfast and had a bunch of water. I’m tired of feeling like shit. I’m tired of feeling like giving up. I’m just tired of not loving myself. I want to be the best example to you all as possible. I want to show that you CAN overcome falling into a black hole. I want to be a shining light that helps guide you into a better life. But I can only do that if I can do it for myself.

I’m realizing that I need to just forgive myself. Forgive myself for not feeling ‘perfect.’ I need to forgive myself for eating bad, for not working out, for gaining weight, and for allowing myself to get to this place. I need to forgive myself for feeling so down. It’s okay. It’s okay to feel lost. We all get there. Forgiveness is the first step in making a change. Nikki, I forgive you. You are loved. You are perfect just the way you are.

Today is a new day. A new beginning. Today is a good day, because I choose for it to be so. I have the power to change everything I want. Just as you do. You have the power to overcome beating yourself up, making unhealthy choices, and not working out. You have the power to make a mental change right here, right now. It’s time to get real with your own life and how you can make a change.

So I share something very personal, very scary, and very vulnerable to ultimately have you understand that you are not alone when you are feeling down. We all go through bad times in life and it’s only natural to get down on yourself and question everything. I do hope that this post makes you understand that what you see on the outside isn’t always what’s happening on an inside level. Don’t make assumptions about anyone, and always remember to ask people if they need some love, because at the end of the day, we all do really.

If this post touched you in any way or you would like to share your story with me please leave a comment below. I would love to get everyone talking and understanding each other’s stories.

Tons of love, Nikki

 

 

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