Parenting When Divorced
There was a post on Yahoo Parenting a few days ago about a long court case involving a divorced father who took away his 12-year-old daughter’s phone as punishment for sending a rude and inappropriate text. The girl’s mother, however, had purchased the phone, and she contacted the police, claiming that the father wouldn’t return her property. The father was arrested, and a two-year legal battle followed (Dad Arrested for Taking Daughter’s Phone as Punishment). After only a 2-day trial, the judge ordered the jury to find the father not guilty. The daughter, now 15, has no relationship with her father. And her relationship with her mother may not be much better.
My heart hurts for the child whose parents are just big children! It alarms me that parents lose sight of the issue at hand and turn a “rude” text into an ego trip that ends up in broken relationships.
The real victim here? A child who is caught between adults with issues—issues that she has nothing to do with. It’s not hard to see why this couple is no longer together. In The “Perfect” Parent, I talk about communication being the basis for our relationship with our kids. The same holds true for our other relationships as well. Our spouse, our own parents, our siblings… how we communicate with them–during challenges as much as during triumphs—will determine what our relationship will be.
When recurring issues go unaddressed, frustrations, doubts, fears, and guilt about parenting set in, snowballing from one issue to another, from one encounter to the next, hurting the parent, the innocent child, and the relationship. With a divorce, there might be bad feelings, but your first priority should always be how the split relationship is affecting your children.
When parents divorce, they don’t become ex-parents, and their kids still need to have both parents involved in their lives. You and your spouse—or your former spouse—owe it to your children to be on the same parenting page. Just as you should discuss items like finances and religion before you get married, it’s critical to discuss how you are going to parent before you divorce. Put aside your differences, and at least be on the same side when it comes to the kids… their side.
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