Where we talk about 2015...

Not gonna lie 2015 was the toughest year of my entire life. IF you know me or have read this journal for a long time you know that is really saying something. I have never struggled so much just to survive 12 months ever. I have no idea how I made it through it all...beyond the fact that suicide just isn't an option for me, and yes I mean that with all the seriousness a statement like that should come with. If it was I would have taken it...because 2015 was so shitty that the thought of going on for most of the year was not something I felt like facing.

It should have been so much better. It started out like a fucking fairy tale...I finally had shit figured out with the love of my life...well one of the loves anyway...we were in a really good spot and as 2015 started we had figured out all the bullshit and put aside a lot of the dumb drama that had been fucking us up for the last two years. Which of course leads into my favorite day of 2015 which was Valentines Day...I could not dream of a more perfect day with anyone, and even though it all got fucked up again I wouldn't trade that memory for anything. It was a perfect day spent and well I don't know what else to say about all of that.

Of course when shit is going good my ex wife had to step in and fuck it all up. This time by dying, and now as I write this 10 months later the fucking shit storm she left in her wake is still being worked out...and of course the fucking courts are involved...all in all I think her death has cost me like 10 grand and a car...for the amount of money I would bring her back to life just so I could fucking kill her myself. IF you think that sounds harsh...if you spent one day with that cunt you would feel the same way and I spent ten years with her.

While I was in the middle of dealing with that loss, and trying to insure my kid was going to be ok I lost my Uncle and my Grandmother in the same weekend. My Grandmother and I have not had the best relationship since my divorce so that wasn't as a big a deal but my Uncle...who taught me how to play drums and with who I use to jam Beatles records with was a pretty big loss. In fact 2015 was a year of loss.

In the middle of all that there was the messy break up...I don't know how many times we have broken up now, but each one gets a little tougher to deal with...because each time I fall for her a little bit more...love her a whole lot more...and get really fucking depressed that we can't seem to make it work. Maybe we should never have dated and just been friends. Maybe then we would still be friends and I wouldn't waste so much time every day fucking missing her.

The rest of the year is all a blur of fucking, alcohol, lawyers, court appearances, and fucking misery...sometimes with not so notable females...and one I'm just not going to talk about...mostly because breaking up with someone three times you were never actually dating is fucking absurd. Fucking crazy British chicks...it would be more funny if I hadn't already learned that lesson.