No Going Back?

No Going Back?

New York has a special place in my heart. As a little boy and a teenager it was the goal, the direction, the only thing that mattered. Today, however, I had a thought…what if I don’t go back?

San Juan is not easier than New York overall, I don’t speak Spanish, the Sun burns me at every opportunity and I can’t get half the food and merchandise I want without immense struggle (first world problems). At the same time, I have an enormous apartment with every single amenity which is thousands of dollars outside my reach in the city. So, it really comes down to people.

I’ve picked up and moved before, I left all my Utah friends almost nine years ago and only looked back now and then. We made it work because there is a mutual understanding to one another’s life goals. It is becoming clear that this is not going to be the case with my city friends. When and if I do go home in April what exactly am I returning to other than a half furnished apartment and the frustration of getting a damn cat through the airport?

Here’s the skinny: The Straights are so over New York that it’s disheartening. They’re likely going to be moving in less than a year, which in all honesty is too sad to consider at this time. I hate missing people, though I obviously miss them and my gays at this moment while I’m in San Juan. That was my decision so I’ll shut my mouth.

This raises the subject of my gays. After expressing their frustrations, well, one expressed frustration, but the message sounded tailor crafted from both, of their disdain for my decision to leave without their blessing via email it became a tad rocky. To be frank, no one gets a say in anything I do. This is my life. As a single adult with no children it is up to me how I plan and paint my future. The same courtesy is extended to all my friends, I have no say in their lives. Perhaps I’m being too blunt in this, but to me being a friend means nothing more than enjoying the time you spend with another person or group of people with no expectation of anything. Relationships, as in couples, are for expectations, not friends. So, now they speak to me with no regularity, and in fact, we could say they’ve all but stopped. I do not apologize when there is nothing to be sorry for, and this rift may be the end of a valuable friendship over truly silly things.

What is waiting for me in New York: Friends who don’t want to talk to me…friends who are leaving…and a small group of friends who are remaining in place. It’s fraction of the life I thought was there and now it appears as if it was all shallow, surface material. I hope to be proven completely wrong as this is not how I want things to be, but it is becoming clear that this is how they may have been all along.

R.B. Winters
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