Justin Bieber Versus the Hoverboard: Who Won 2015?

For a kid who once had an entire Tumblr dedicated to his King Joffrey likeness (“Where fiction’s biggest brat and real life’s biggest brat become one!”), Justin Bieber has made quite the return.

His comeback was slow. He’d pissed off a lot of people. Even when Ellen DeGeneres gave the okay to defend him, my own inclination toward forgiveness buckled during his brutal roast when I was reminded over and over of the very (and many) dumb things he’d done to merit such widespread distaste. It was the only roast I’d ever watched where the roasters didn’t even fake an empathetic wince — their claps felt like payback. It was definitely not “all in good fun.”

But he absorbed the shock. Repented. Then at the close of March 2015, Skrillex and Diplo released “Where Are Ü Now” featuring a superfluous umlaut over the U and Justin Bieber as a new person.

He was unstoppable from there, the favorite candidate to win Most Hearts Won Over in the year-end superlatives well before the summer even began.

And then…the hoverboard came onto the scene.

Wellllllcome back to the Man Repeller cage match, where opponents fight to the digital death. Not since rosé went head to head with avocado toast have we seen such viral rivalry. We had a plethora of contenders vying for a spot against Biebs (the Apple Watch, Adele’s new album, peanut butter baby, Drake’s dance moves in Hotline Bling) — but it wasn’t until the hoverboard stood up that everyone else sat down. Ladies and gentlemen, we invite you to do the same: take your seat. Let the battle begin.

Round 1: Actual Time it Took to Be Seen as Cool

Justin Bieber’s musical credibility started to soften the blow of his various asshole-y antics when “Where Are Ü Now” gained radio popularity in April 2015. The song became a summer staple and a steady hit through fall. The Late Late Show’s James Corden helped to soften his public image, then came “What Do You Mean” and the song that makes punchlines too easy: Turns out it wasn’t too late to say sorry — the world loved him again.

Hoverboards were on a similar trajectory. Their lame-ass uncle, the Segway, had left the bad taste of lame sauce lingering like garlic in the mouths of those who have opinions about completely unnecessary recreational transportation. In January, they were named “one of the coolest pieces of technology” at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas. You will note that this award did not help their status as cool.

What did help is that celebrities like Jamie Foxx started endorsing them.

This also serves as a great and unrelated reminder that Jamie Foxx is mildly insane? In a very satisfying way. Still…it took a bit longer to catch on as a “real thing” among the plebeian adolescent scooter set — and everyone knows that’s where the mass trends really start.

Round 1 Winner: Justin Bieber

Round 2: Badassery, Scale of 1 to 10

Justin: No.

Meanwhile, hoverboards are illegal to ride publicly in London.

They’re “illegal” to ride in airports, too: Wiz Khalifa was arrested at Los Angeles International Airport for refusing to get off of his hoverboard. He later tweeted this:

I stand for our generation and our generation is gonna be riding hover boards so if you don’t like it eat a dick!

— Cameron (@wizkhalifa) August 23, 2015

Hoverboards: 7

Round 2 Winner: Hoverboards

Round 3: Winning Over Hearts

Because the rise of hoverboards is so closely tied to their various celebrity endorsers, the publics’ hearts warmed at different times depending who each individual preferred and followed. Justin Bieber, however, won over all lingering haters when he did car karaoke yet again with James Cordon.

Round 3: Clear winner, Justin Bieber

Round 4: Dance Moves Justin Bieber is a decent dancer, but I have tickets to his NYC concert in May — I am not going for the choreography.

Turns out this is where the hoverboard prevails, but in a beautiful twist of pop culture fate, the most popular choreographed hoverers on YouTube are the ones that dance to Bieber.

Round 4 Winner: Hoverboards

Round 5: Douchebaggery

Hoverboards:

– There exists a brand of hoverboard called a “Swagway.”

– There is literally no point. None. Just walk.

– You cannot look “cool” on a hoverboard. This is not the problem. The problem is that too many try.

Justin Bieber, taking into account only occurrences post-roast for the sake of a fair fight:

– Early adopter of the hoverboard

– Overuse of the word “swag” despite his own promise to stop using word “swag”

– Frequent and non-ironic mention of the musical genre “tropical house” in the same sentence as “the new Justin”

– He took a shower on stage at the AMAs, though this is immensely better than peeing in a bucket.

Winner: Tie

Round 6: Actual Virility

Justin Bieber has given the Internet plenty of “sharable content,” but he himself hasn’t really gone viral since he was first discovered on YouTube.

Hoverboards, however, gave us this:

Clear winner: Hoverboards

The Final Vote…

Is yours. Have at it in the comments section.

But I mean…

Collage by Emily Zirimis. Extensive hoverboard research by Yvonne Dunlevie.

 

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