Cocktail Party Conversations

In journalism they will teach you to incite an interviewee’s response by asking why or how; in improv, they will instruct the interrogated to answer all questions with and. The goal of both is to promote a continued exchange. In real life, however, we’re not so savvy.

At Christmas cocktail parties we are even worse.

We catch up. We act as the human equivalents of year-end mom cards, barfing the family news (“Dan’s great, he’s grown an inch in the last year; Carol’s doing well — she’s taken to barking at walls ever since her vision’s waned,” etc.) leaving little room for any response other than, “Cool.” “Great.” “That’s fantastic.” “Please stop speaking to me.”

So how do we encourage a because? How — amid jingle bell headbands and hand knit sweaters — do we get someone else to add the and?

By getting into the holiday spirit with these cocktail party conversation tips.

Ask Something That Gets Everyone Involved!

Save this photo to your phone and then ask, “Pants-less in Seattle, or apricot capris?

Image posted by Passenger Shaming via Digg.

If apricot capris wins, celebrate the fact that tight clothes are back.

Great for Dinner Parties: Start a Friendly Debate

Ask, “Who had the best 2015 ever? Justin Bieber, or hover boards?

Troubleshooting: If No One’s Talking to You, It’s Probably Because Your Outfit Sucks.

So here’s a quick fix. Don’t bother the host about this (she’s busy!) but do take it upon yourself to steal the table runner — any old one will do — and use it to jazz up your party suit.

Pretend To Confuse Certain Guests for Actual Celebrities in Your Introductions

This tool is great for successful set-ups.

Example:

“Alice, meet Katie Holmes. Katie here had adult braces and enjoys pancakes, just like you. The New Potato interviewed her about it — you should really check it out.”

Then fein innocence: “Oh my gosh, you’re not Katie Holmes? Your name is Thomas? I’m so sorry! You must get that all the time.”

Slowly walk away, then watch the magic between “Thomas” and the future Mrs. Holmes happen.

Don’t Ask the Obvious Questions — Dig Deeper!

“I notice you have twenty five freckles on your left arm. How does this make your right arm feel?”

Let Your Actions Speak Louder Than Words

See a penny, pick it up, then drop it in a party-goer’s wine glass. When they ask what the hell you did that for (“you psychopath!), either tell them you missed 11:11 and needed to make a wish, or use this as an opportunity to teach them a disgusting life hack.

Video by Reactions via Cosmo.

Bring Up Politics

I know they say you shouldn’t but it certainly gets the chit-chat going!

Ask Everyone to Demonstrate Their Party Trick

Make sure you have one before you ask.

Poll Fellow Fêtters on Which 2016 Grammy Nominee is Most Likely to Win Holiday Card of the Year

Personally, I think the Weeknd’s a shoe-in.

In an Awkward One-on-One Situation, Copy All of Jay Buim’s Oh Boy Interview Questions

But skip the “where did you grow up stuff.” Instead, get super specific (“So what was that like being a dominatrix’s assistant?”) and see how people respond. They will likely be polite and try to answer to the best of their abilities, assuming you have them confused for Katie Holmes — yet again.

When in Doubt, Apply the 6 W’s (Who, What, Where, When, Why, hoW)

Who are you? What are you doing here? Where did you get this invitation from? Why are you in my living room? How did you get a key?

This is funniest when you crash a party and ask these questions to the host.

They will likely respond, “Please stop talking to me.”

You will respond, “And, Pam. You mean, ‘Please stop talking to me and.‘”

Illustration by Patrick Keohane of @RSTheory

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