My Christmas Wishlist Is Full of Fashion That Doesn’t Exist

I’m only allowed one present this Christmas (I’m getting married in a few months and funds are tight) and I’ve chosen a portable steamer. It’s going to be a joint present, and my boyfriend’s going to be ecstatic that I cashed in our chips for something that makes ironed clothes more achievable. Apparently.

That said, I have this burning hot list that’s been gathering momentum for the last 15 years of everything I wish I owned. All the things that if I knew the first thing about sewing on a button, I would attempt to make myself. Because these are the pieces that change everything about how you look and therefore feel. I own some of them: black trousers from All Saints, so perfectly cut that no other pair of black trousers can come close; snakeskin block-heeled Amelie Pichard boots that re-define what it means to be, let alone to wear, an ankle boot; my Topshop Unique floral print dress that looks like a heavenly piece of vintage sent to me by angels. I want my whole closet to make me feel like that. Here’s one step closer.

1. A pair of midnight blue velvet dungarees. These shall have a slim-cut leg (rather than a wide leg) with a front and back bib so that the shirt doesn’t tuft out to the sides, which I hate. They shall not be tight on the ass or groin, nor too long in the body (I am pretty short). They shall not be flimsy and will hide my lumps and bumps, yet they shall be gloriously fluid and worn with a white frilly shirt underneath.

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2. A pair of matte red leather boots. They shall not be patent; they will be tomato red; they will have a heel that is neither too blocky nor  a stiletto, and it shall be precisely 3 inches high. The boots will be pointed but not too pointed. They will have hints of Saint Laurent and a whiff of Opening Ceremony’s Rodarte collaboration (which I still think of sometimes) in their shape.

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3. A pale duck egg blue short suit. To be worn at weddings in the summer. The exact suit I want, and have wanted since 2006, is Kate Moss’s vintage two-piece that she wore to a wedding. I dream of this more than any other piece of clothing. It’s basically a glorified blouse with a pair of fluttery boy shorts and it is heaven.

4. An off the shoulder, black lace bell-sleeved blouse which stops just short of my wrist and ends just above my mid-rise trouser waistband.

5. A liquid satin midi skirt which is not bias cut (so as not to accentuate my hips), worn high on the waist with a ribbon waistband. The color could be mint green, or perhaps blush. I’m not yet sold on the color. I would be able to wear it with strappy sandals and Adidas Gazelles alike for eternal nineties vibes. It is the kind of thing I imagine Hillier Bartley to make soon — a label that stocks so many of the pieces I never thought I would be able to find at, sadly, very high prices.

6. A saffron yellow movie star dress. It could be like Michelle Williams’ Oscar dress in 2006, or perhaps Kate Hudson’s from How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days. Either one will do me just fine; never shall I have a bad time in it.

7. A backless silver mini dress. The halter neck will not be so low that you can see side-boob and it shall be lined so I do not have to wear a bra. (Only Carrie Bradshaw gets away with a visible-bra-back and even then, she doesn’t really.) It shall be a mysterious fabrication which is both silky and resistant all at once and it will be backless, without ever gaping or straining at the undulations of my body.

8. A cropped chunky cashmere aran turtleneck in navy which does not make me look booby or truncated and is not short enough to show my stomach. Most importantly, the neck shall fit my neck rather than pooling sadly around my collar bone as so many turtlenecks are want to do.

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9. A black embroidered dress with a high neck, puffed shoulders, a fitted waist and gathered wristlets. It shall not be childish; it shall be like Vyshyvanka by Vita Kin but with a tougher, almost Victorian structure and a wintry embroidery, not a summery Mexican affair, so that it looks best with thick tights and knee high boots.

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10. A white swimsuit that does not go up my ass. Seriously.

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And one for luck…

11. The perfect leopard print coat. I have bought half a dozen in my time and none have ever been quite right. I would like it to be double breasted with structured shoulders and a belt, and for it to fall just below my knees. It shall not be too dark nor too light. It will not be teddy bear fur, nor will it be matted. It will be, if my list ever comes true, perfect.

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Follow Pandora on Twitter and Instagram and check out her blog while you’re at it. I llustrations by Kelly Shami, photos of Pandora via pandorasykes.com.

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