You Can Come Out of Hiding

We groom our leaders to hide.

As most Christian leaders could admit, we are not trained to be very honest. And when I say trained, I don’t mean seminaries. I mean you and me. We do the training. As followers we teach our leaders to tell us half truths. To be idealistic they cannot live the tweets they write. Because in our culture, we have forgotten how to say and live what we really mean.

How long has it been since you told another Christian what you honestly believe about divorce, or gay marriage, or race relations, or gun rights, or immigration or gave yourself time to come up with what you think about hell or original sin? How often do you let yourself admit you actually have some doubts, that the leaders you follow are simplifying issues you know are more complex?

Maybe it’s the Christian everyday practices that don’t work for you anymore. Maybe you don’t trust the Bible anymore or you doubt the power of prayer to change things or you’re not sure about what the Bible seems to say about roles in marriage or the justice of God’s decree to wipe out the Canaanites.  Maybe you just don’t know if the faith of your childhood works for the faith of a wiser adult. 

Sometimes the last gasp of our faith (and you see this more with Progressives) looks like intense social justice activity. We take up the cause of the marginalized, doing good, hoping it will cover the way we’re embarrassed or doubtful about our doctrine. This can look like defensive retorts that ignore the nuances of an issue. For example, this tweet I recently read from a progressive leader, “How can we speak admirably of those who hid Jews during the Holocaust & then refuse refugees cause there’s a small possibility of danger?” Even should you agree, do you see the defensiveness and intolerance of alternative views in this tweet? How can other leaders come out of hiding to discuss their complex answers to complex problems when leaders begin by being defensive? 

Whenever you see defensiveness you can know someone has not come out of hiding. I’m most defensive about the things that make me feel superior and special, not the things I have made peace with. 

Sometimes the last gasp of our faith is when we turn into UniKitty (watch her best moments from the Lego movie), too full of the peace of God, too full of “no negativity of any kind” to be honest about our emotions (you see this more with Conservatives).  For example, when we compulsively push grieving people to attend church to keep from being depressed. As if depression embarrasses God as much as us.

Whenever you experience compulsion you can know someone has not come out of hiding. I’m most compulsive about the things that remind me of my limitations. But I’m not compulsively fixing others if I can come out of hiding about my own messiness.

If you don’t know the answers, but want to pretend you do, you will fit in well in most Christian circles. Our leaders do the same act of evasion. Experts at hiding, some leadership positions reward the Christians who are best at remaining ignorant about what they really think. We call it diplomacy and tact, but sometimes it’s just job security.

Pastors, writers, public figures get paid to follow trends.  It’s not just a Christian problem. I don’t think most leaders remember how to access what they really think, especially if their salary depends on agreeing with the Organization (be it the denomination, political party, publisher, or ministry) that hired them. And this works, ironically even for the disrupters (the newest trend), those leaders we admire as rebels.

Beware of brands, beware of marketing yourself. It can make you less of who God intended you to be.

In many Christian places, you get paid to forget how to think critically, to grieve honestly, and to doubt faithfully. If the Paris attacks of last week have you doubting and silent, it would be better for all of us if your status updates and shares reflect that. Too quickly we speak what we have not known for ourselves. As Eugene Peterson says here, we are all too quick to lapse into “God talk” when silence is what the world needs. Silence and presence.

I admire and rely on social media daily. But social media is most lacking when it comes to areas of grief and honesty. You cannot really grieve fully without embodied presence.

I must admit it is easier for me to perform than give it to you straight. I want to toe the popular line, to find the one post that explodes into your Facebook feed with relevance, the one you’ll shower with likes and comments of approval.

Ministry does this to you. You learn to be a master of disguise, to be all things to all people. I can even find a Bible verse to back up this gentle falseness. Paul knew what it felt like to transform himself for the gospel (see 1 Corinthians 9:19-23). But if you read this passage closely, Paul sets limits to his disguises.

I’ve worn other people’s faces for so long, it takes active notice for me to be myself.  I’ve started noticing the uncomfortable feeling in my belly when I say things I don’t believe. I’ve started being curious about that, asking myself this question, “Was that true? Or did I simply say it to be agreeable?” I’m realizing why so many mature people keep themselves silent so often. Sometimes, that’s the truest posture.

I have begun broadcasting through Periscope @Soulation. And this is a new platform for me to stop performing. How do you do that? Step on the platform and hold onto yourself? I’ve experimented being okay doing a Periscope without makeup, without notes, with my son sleeping in a carrier right there while I try to explain an idea. I’m not always successful at this. I lose myself sometimes.

I’m trying to come out of hiding, to be the real me, to be more human.

If Jesus could admit he was human and needed rest and space, tears and prayer, let’s expect we will also hit our limits. You and I don’t have to be so disappointed or surprised with our limitations. And as you accept your broken places, I guarantee, you’ll be more accepting when your leaders admit their ignorance and limits, you’ll be able to admire their vulnerability.

The Tang of Honesty

Having picked up “The Poet Every Woman Should Read“, Rupi Kaur‘s, Milk and Honey (follow her on Instagram), a collection of spoken word poems that everyone seems to be talking about.  I’m realizing it is her honesty that makes me trust her. Not since Sylvia Plath have I read a poet who so accurately excavates the secrets women bear. She helps me come out of hiding. And her careful illustrations invite me to let her words soak deeper into my understanding. Take this one for instance:

In a poem as simple as this we have the roots of evil, not the terrorist kind that’s easy to condemn but the evil that runs through my heart and yours. Reading Kaur’s work and seeing her minimalist pencil drawings reminds me of something I wrote over 10 years ago. Readers of my first book, Ruby Slippers, do you remember this?

Salty Glances

I have dark eyes in both senses. They are dark brown and they are “darkened.” Snuggled into a velvet chair, I sip my tea to watch for the salty glance at Starbucks. In walks an attractive woman–high heels, red lipstick, full and neatly styled chestnut hair. Nearby women look up and size up the newcomer as she walks by. Oh, we pretend not to notice, feigning sudden interest in the coffee of the day, but the real reason we look up is to check her out. Without smiling, we sweep her body in a half-second glance. A sort of sour, dour critical spirit rises up in us, and it’s unveiled for a moment in our eyes, an evaluative, salty glance. The more attractive the woman, the higher the heels, the redder the lipstick, the sassier the hair, the more of a threat she becomes. The more I may feel I could never be that attractive, successful, confident, serene. I may do a double-take. My eyes darken while the woman’s back in turned, my eyes force into a smile if the woman turns to me. Like salt water polluting clear, our eyes pollute our souls (p 37-39).

We like to see our competition stumble. We like to pity and rescue because ministry work means we are on top. Few of us can unpack our own hearts long enough to realize how “leadership” camouflages performance. We save others to keep from noticing our own limitations.

But, we cannot lead well if we don’t know our own hearts.

A Ruby Slippers Inspired Devotional

Over a year ago, I received a beautiful devotional book. The watercolors illustrated prompts on how to unpack your secrets with God.  It struck me that devotionals for women this beautiful and this honest are quite rare. Written by Life Coach, boundaries expert and Wounded Heart facilitator, Melissa D’Aunoy of The Kitchen Table Counseling and Life Coaching, it was titled simply Unpack Your Heart. It came with a hand written card from Melissa explaining how she had read Ruby Slippers years ago.

I wrote and asked Melissa to explain to you the Ruby Slippers/Unpack Your Heart connection.

I can’t remember how exactly this gem of a book was dropped into my hands, but years ago Ruby Slippers made its way into my library and then into my heart. So many years I was broken – broken through my own choices and actions, broken by the choices and actions of others – a shell of woman left picking up the pieces. Ruby Slippers was one of those God-designed tools He shared with me to bring healing and repair to my heart. I remember reading the story about Jonalyn’s evening with her grandmother and her dirty knees, crying about her hurt, my hurt! The unintentional actions of others that wound us in such deep, lasting ways. And then her father…what a lovely treasure, I remember really owning that treasure as my own, sitting on my heavenly Father’s knee finding my own beauty!



Jonalyn’s book touched deep places in my heart that brought healing and transformation which allowed me to unpack my own heart so that God could birth my own amazing! Courage is an interesting thing and you can find it in many shades and colors. It is courageous to bear your heart, raw and exposed, for others to see. Jonalyn’s book, Ruby Slippers, is an example of that courage that encouraged me to honesty and transparency. Unpack Your Heart Devotional was birthed from that same sort of courage!

I am forever grateful for her kind of courage, it helped me to find mine!

If you are like Melissa and find yourself broken down with hiding what’s inside, consider picking up Unpack Your Heart. I highly recommend it for small groups. See the lovely watercolors by clicking on this video. And if you tune into my Periscope today @Soulation (follow here, download the free Periscope app to get alerts) I’ll share how you can enter to win a copy Unpack Your Heart.

If viewing in email, watch here.

And if you’re annoyed or confused by the scripted roles on what a good Christian woman ought to do, pick up a copy of Ruby Slippers. Read it for a place to notice how you’re hiding the most interesting things about you. Buy in bundles for a discount at our Store.

And for those who want more, like a community to talk about the challenges of being an honest Christian woman today, I have good news. In 2016, I’ll be teaching a class designed for women in all life stages and statuses to read Ruby Slippers in community. The eCourse will be on Corsets & Bowties: Freeing Christians Into Authentic Manhood and Womanhood. AND, there will be a guy track, with my husband leading on why manhood is much more interesting than being the spiritual leader. We’re crowdfunding this Year of Gender at Soulation. Read all 20 gender projects and join those who will help us meet our goal. Be sure to read about our new partnership plan where you receive a gift card for our Store when you donate.

More interesting, more honest gender studies, right here at Soulation.

Care to learn more? Subscribe to RubySlippers.org (at right) so you don’t miss my “Corsets and Bowties” announcement.

What About You?

Where do you find Christians leading with raw honesty and openness to growth? Often it’s favorite poets that help me come out of hiding, Madeleine L’Engle, Luci Shaw, Amy Kaneko, and now Rupi Kaur. What about you? How do you come out of hiding when nice femininity and strong masculinity rule the stage?