Make Them Understand You

One of the most challenging and frustrating things in life is working with someone who just doesn’t get you. I have a client who has been at his new job for six months and there's someone there who hasn't acknowledged him in any way—literally. When my client passes him in the hallway, he refuses to return my client's "Hello." In meetings, unless my client asks him a direct question, he doesn't respond to what my client says in the meeting—and sometimes he refuses to answer direct questions. If you're dealing with someone who doesn't get you, what can you do? Here are my three best tips:

Have realistic expectations

If everyone else around you seems to be doing just fine when it comes to “getting” you, relax. This isn’t about you, it’s about them. Not everyone is going to understand you, much less like you. It's important that you manage both your expectations and your emotions. This is a challenging situation and if you have unreasonable expectations for yourself, you'll turn a difficult situation into an unbearable one.

Don't make this into something it isn't. One person not getting you doesn’t mean you lack interpersonal skills or that their view of you is how others see you. With that in mind, always be professional in how you communicate and relate to the person who doesn’t get you. That would be a realistic expectation. It's reasonable for you to expect the best from yourself; it's not reasonable to expect that others will always click with you.

Take responsibility

Even if this isn’t about you, resist the temptation to give up on the relationship. Be proactive and experiment with anything you think might improve things. Make sure you adjust your communication style to theirs. If they’re highly extroverted and you’re definitely an introvert, get out of your comfort zone and be more extroverted around them. Resist the temptation to avoid them. 

Make an effort to show interest in their work (or their life outside of work if appropriate) and find ways to give them positive feedback. Consider having a talk with them and simply tell them you’d like to have the best working relationship with them that you can. Ask them what you can do differently. If they act like they don’t know what you’re talking about, go back to the first point above.

Be Patient

Finding ways to connect with someone who doesn’t get you can be frustrating and even disheartening. Remind yourself often, “This isn’t about me.” Be patient with yourself and the other person. Who knows why they don’t get you? If they haven’t told you what the problem is, it could be very simple. Just take time to find ways to improve your relationship with them. 

When you’re experimenting with things to improve matters, don’t just experiment one or two times. Be more consistent over a period of time and give things time to work. If all else fails, again, go back to the first point above. If you get along with everyone else and nothing seems to work with the person who doesn’t get you, make it about them, stay professional and keep it all in perspective.

— Alan Allard, Executive Coach