10 Weird Things About Twilight

(If you like having movies ruined for you, read why The Notebook is weird, too.)

Twilight the book is turning 10 tomorrow — ten being the kind of literary or cinematic benchmark that the Internet lives for, like a content quinceañera or bar mitzvah. Twilight, you are almost officially a man.

But let us also not forget that this is one of the strangest stories to ever come out of someone’s brain — and remember that I am speaking as someone who works with Leandra. Of further important note: many of us only saw the movie. So in the spirit of full celebration but with a steady hoof in reality, kindly allow me to point to the stranger points of Twilight, the film.

1. We know that 50 Shades of Grey was born out of Twilight fan fiction. What they never told us, however, was that Twilight was fan fiction born out of Bambi as a way to avenge Bambi’s mom’s death. Re-watch Kristen Stewart’s opening emo-kid morbid monologue and note what happens at the 1:06 mark.

Then re-watch this clip of Bambi and crumple as the awful realization hits at 1:06, too. Coincidence? No. Depressing, yes, and I apologize. But you had to know!

2. Proof that Bella is a total weirdo begins at the start of the movie (post deer death) during her transition from her mom’s to her dad’s. She has a cactus obsession, carrying around a tiny potted succulent like some Brooklyn coffee house barista setting up shop before the store opens.

3. Her dad is the love child of Tom Selleck and Bill Hader.

4. Plagiarism: Upon joining school mid-semester not unlike one Cady Heron, Bella is greeted by the girl from Pitch Perfect who basically asks, “Why are you white?”

5. Self-serving cross promotion: You know the scene where Edward Cullen suppresses barfs upon Bella’s entry into the room? In that same scene we see Hedwig, Harry Potter’s desceased (and taxidermied) owl is behind him, a subtle but no less manipulative cry for us to remember him as Cedric Diggory. Like we get it, you were always hot.

6. Bella wears oven mitts instead of gloves.

7. Sometimes Edward Cullen is Chuck Bass. “If you were smart, you’d stay away from me,” both dramatically wealthy and oddly-dressed men with questionable hair moments whisper to their respective moody, headband-wearing brunette love interests.

8. Watching Bella figure out that Edward is a vampire on her own was like watching Catfish’s Nev and Max explain how Google-image search works to third season Catfishees, aka: HOW DID NO ONE FIGURE THIS OUT SOONER.

9. Human backpacks and humblebrags: I think my favorite scene is where Edward and Bella recreate The NeverEnding Story with Edward as the luckdragon so that he can take her to Fork’s only patch of sunlight in order to show off the effects of his Jessica Simpson for Sephora glitter lotion.

It’s still weird, though.

10. Of course, the absolute weirdest thing about Twilight (if we’re limiting it to 10 for the sake of brevity) has nothing to do with the fact that Edward is into blood nor is it the way Bella’s mom says, “You fell out a window!” after Bella almost died, as though they were drunk frat brothers and this whole thing was mildly hilarious. No. It is that Edward’s brother Emmett plays vampire baseball in a purple velour tracksuit with a sideways hat — the perfect backup dancer’s attire to accompany Bret Michaels, Lenny Kravitz and Shakira: the musical.

A excellent 10-year-old foreshadowing to Spring 16 because, like Leandra and I keep telling you guys, the early 2000s are back.

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