Super Basic Horoscopes

Got excited that this was a post about pumpkin spiced lattes? It’s not, but this one is. 

Rather than Susan Miller’s usual sign-specific horoscope breakdown (she’s two days behind due to personal matters), she left us with one half-hour video that breaks down all of October — but I know you’re busy. For as little time as everyone has for news of a potential planetary apocalypse, you have even less time to watch 28 minutes and 37 seconds of Susan News Anchor Miller, no matter how riveting she may be (very) — which is why I did it for you. So below, all you need to know, regardless of sign, about your life in October.

Starting with September 27. The eclipse that took over your Instagram feed at the end of last month may have left you feeling discombobulated — even now. That will sort itself out over the course of these next few days, so cheers to the Weeknd and being unable to feel your face.

October 6 is a bad day to ask a favor from a VIP, so stop texting Helen Mirren to pick up your dry cleaning. It’s also a bad day for anything related to money, performance reviews and presenting ideas to venture capitalists, if that’s on your typical agenda. October 6 is a Tuesday, so maybe just avoid work and play hooky with your human backpack.

October 9th: THE DAY YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR. Mercury’s scheduled to check out of Club Retrograde on a hump-day, which is fantastic news if you are sick of losing things, miscommunications, delayed trains, slow Internet, carrying around a bag of rice “just in case” and having your life ruined in general.

October 11 is a great day to set up money-making plans, but not a good day to sign anything or DTR these plans. The sun is opposite Uranus which Susan pronounces like “Ur-ah-nus” because she’s classy, causing some sort of celestial rash. (The sun is causing a rash, not her pronunciation.) Just be patient. If things do go awry, Uranus wants you to be imaginative and resourceful to fix it, which is annoying, because Uranus is the one being an ass in the first place.

The new moon on October 12 is cranky. (Welcome to the club, new moon.) Suck it up and don’t make any impulse decisions. Breathe. No added anxiety needed.

On October 15, Mars in Virgo and Pluto in Capricorn will agree on politics, which never happens. Suz Thriller who has such news anchor hair, let me tell you, wants you to think of Mars as a booster rocket that takes your ideas into space, drops them off, then lets you figure it out once everything’s in orbit…kind of like college. So it’s scary, but you can do it. Remember it’s exactly what you asked your parents for in high school: freedom.

October 17 — Mars will conjunct Jupiter today, which happens once every 2 years. Take advantage of the fact that Mars gives a boner to everything it touches. Think money, ideas, your career — all have the capacity to grow if you put your head down and charge forward. Weird visual, I apologize.

October 25th is Spa Day. It’s also a great day for love, “gorgeous love,” per Susan, and anything involving relaxation, luxury and beauty.

Naturally, Mercury will be at odds with Uranus at the same day and has the capacity to cause a literal shit storm. Just stick to your ~*me time*~ and all will be fine — there’s nothing you can’t conquer after a cucumber eye mask and a great make out.

The month ends with a full moon in Taurus on October 27. (Ok obviously the month ends a few days after but the effects of the full moon will carry on, a bit like walking mono. In a fun way!) It’s a sweet moon that encourages romance, imagination and beauty. It will help you find love, cure writer’s block and melt creative obstacles as it drives you to seek inspiration absolutely everywhere you look, like a professional Pinterest curator who lives for moments and never regrets.

Bonus fun fact that effects absolutely none of us: Susan Miller’s daughter’s fiancé Leo is a Leo.

Illustrated by Cynthia Merhej

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