The Rules of Style by Salvador Dalí

Develop an iconic facial feature. If flocculent upper lip wings are not your thing (because, you know, they’re his), why not consider a unibrow? Or maybe a patch of hair in the shape of a monocycle on your cheek?

Do accessorize with a cane that snakes in once too many times. Knight your elders with it, then call it a “Cain,” hit the youths in your periphery across the head with it and tell people you were engaged in a biblical act of compassion.

Do stow your free-standing clocks in a microwave. They will not melt, but this is performance art, people!

Consider the red Santa hat (“barretina”) as a wardrobe staple by divorcing the holiday implications and making a recommendation to yourself about black and white leopard print as a neutral knit. Use your cane here, too.

Acknowledge the arrival of Victorian collars but anticipate the changing environment in favor of Victorian (ruffle) sleeves. Do you have a velvet blazer?

Oh good.

Wear it.

How about an ascot?

Acknowledge the departure of Isabel Marant’s Fall/Winter 2012 collection wherein a French nod to the West was galvanized. Force its revival.

Do it with a small white flower at the end of your cheek.

Wear sandals until you’re ready to give them up (pair them with huge pants).

Carry around a white dove, tell people it’s Charlotte Olympia.

Wear a sea critter as a headband, tell people it’s Charlotte Olympia.

Ask yourself while confronted with the literal fabric of your narcissism every morning in the closet that carries your multifarious identities: if I were on the Spanish Riviera, would I want to wear this? If there are no pom poms or floral appliqués, you might be shit out of luck.

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And finally, bring your joie de vivre everywhere. Possibly keep it on top of your dove.

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