MR’s Guide to the Best Sweaters for Fall

Change the word “waiting” in Ellie Goulding’s song “Love Me Like You Do” to “looking,” then let us ask you that exact chorus question when it comes to your idea of the “perfect” fall sweater. Ready?

Us/Ellie: “What are you looking forrrrr?”

You: “I’m so glad you asked!”

Us/Ellie: Great! Us too. Welcome to our Sweater Store.

I’m looking for something sexy, but not, you know?

We sure do! Krista here would like to suggest this Jacquemus ribbed knit with wrist holes.

It’s sexy because it shows off your figure, but it’s also not because it gives the allusion that your hands are fake hands and your real hands are in the dangly bits.

If extra appendages aren’t your vibe, might she tempt you with this sleeveless Topshop thin-knit number? Sans bra, it’s a fun way to free the nipple while keeping it warm.

My whole life is an ugly sweater party. I’m looking for novelty.

That’s just great, Jingle Ball. Speaking of balls, Leandra here would love to direct you toward this Bella Freud “Lion” cashmere sweater which is perfect for she who treats knits like tees, has a sense of humor and dislikes dentists.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth champions this Topman sweater vest. It says, “You’re a star.” It also says, “You get hot in the office a lot, don’t you? Delete the sleeves.”

Finally, what do you get when you combine Band of Outsiders with leaping equines? Band of Horses, The Knit Album. If you get that joke then Krista will wrap this up for you. Would you like your receipt in the bag?

My grandma doesn’t know how to knit so I need to make up for her inadequacies.

Oh! Well perfect. This Paul by Paul Smith cardigan that Elizabeth has selected for you not only looks knit by Nonna, Nonna would probably wear it, too.

If you have a slight lilt like Amelia and want to pretend you have a gran in Australia, go for the g-ma gold and really brag: this I Love Mr. Mittens hand knitted diamond cable knit sweater is so beautiful it could make a New Zealand sheep cry.

My grandma situation is just fine, thanks. In fact, I’d like to look like my grandpa. Who lives in Maine. 

Easy! Amelia has suggested this L.L. Bean Norwegian crewneck for your next whaling adventure (then says to turn it inside out for a non-nautical Proenza effect). Leandra prefers you stay on land with this Uniqlo men lambswool crewneck — ideal for sitting on the porch and shaking your fist at hooligans.

I’m one of those people who is honestly just going to wear the same sweater all fall and winter. And Metropolitan is my favorite movie.

Got it. Let this Trademark textured wool sweater be your grab-in-the-dark-works-with-everything thing. Prepare for multiple comments on your perpetual ability to look put together despite the truth. Amelia swears by it.

In the same vein: this AYR mixed-stitch sweater — but maybe get white and navy. Fall into winter extends into March, you know.

I don’t think you understand: I am a sweater professional. I own all of these. I just sold my own mom on the black market to afford my Big Buy of the Season.

Ok…(psychopath) what! Hm? Nothing! Just pressing the security button while I show you these final options. Leandra loves this sparkly Miu Miu knit for its festivity and this Jonathan Saunders square jacquard turtleneck knit because it’s wearable Sudoku. Elizabeth supports robbing a bank in the name of this actual piece of art by Yakshi Malhotra hand-knitted jumper, and we all support her in this choice of Chloé striped silk-blend striped sweater. From one sweater psychopath to another, her way to justify all of the above? “You gotta invest in love.”

Illustrated by Max Dower of Unfortunate Portrait — check out his Instagram here.

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