7 Most Appalling Songs About Underage Groupies
It was a different time. A time when rock stars not only committed sex crimes on a regular basis, but also boasted about it in their work, and were never ever prosecuted for it. (Except for Chuck Berry, because racism).
It's kind of weird to me now that I grew up with this stuff on the radio all the time and just felt like it was normal.
It wasn't normal! It was gross and appalling! So here are the worst of the gross and appalling songs about sleeping with underage fans. And may I add, shame on every artist below!
7."Sweet Little Sixteen"--Chuck Berry.
Barely cracks the list because Chuck is not explicit about his desire for the titular girl, though I suppose we could argue that since all the cats wanna dance with her, and Chuck Berry qualifies as a cat, he at least wants to dance with her. But given the fact that Chuck Berry spent time in jail for transporting a 14-year-old girl across state lines for "prostitution, debauchery, or other immoral purposes" as the statute he violated has it (he said she was, "anything but innocent," which is a pretty common sexual predator thing to say), then got sued for secretly filming women in the bathroom of an establishment he owned, I think we can say he's a loathsome human being and his interest in sweet little sixteen probably extends beyond a dance. Also he was 32 when he wrote it. Gross.
6."Mellow Yellow"--Donovan.
Tough call as to where to put this one. "I'm just mad about 14," earns Donovan the dubious distinction of having the youngest object of his...whatever of any artist on the list. But the song isn't really all about glorifying this. Given that it starts with being mad about Saffron, who I assume is a girl and not just The Most Expensive Way to Turn Rice Yellow, and then gives way to something about electrical banana, being mad about fourteen can really be seen as just a symptom of the drug-addled hippie decadence that infuses the whole song. Hell, it might just be a hallucination for all we know. Also he was only 20 when he wrote it, which is still gross, but somewhat less gross than a lot of the other folks on this list.
5."Edge of Seventeen"--Stevie Nicks.
So someone who's on the edge of seventeen is, legally speaking, still sixteen. When this song came out in 1981, Stevie Nicks was 33. And okay, the song takes place in the past tense, but still. Just because 16 year old boys are pleasuring themselves to your image in Rolling Stone (ahem) doesn't mean you get to actually sleep with them. Ick.
4."Hot Blooded"--Foreigner.
"Are you old enough? Will you be ready when I call your bluff?" I mean, I suppose he's at least asking the question, so points for that, but the rest of the song makes it pretty clear he's not all that concerned with the answer. And at the end he proclaims, "I'm so hot for you child," which, I mean, okay, I guess we could look at child as a term of endearment like "baby," but, mmmm.... not really. Gross. Why do I suspect that the "you know who" they have to get away from is this girl's parent?
3."My Sharona"--The Knack.
Musically speaking, the best song on the list. But "I always get it up for the touch of the younger kind" has to be one of the squickiest lyrics ever. And Wikipedia informs me that the song was inspired by a 25-year-old's affair with a 17-year-old. (Also, peep the lead singer's facial expressions in the video. If you saw this guy on the street, you'd cross to the other side. Especially if you were a teenage girl.) Sharona now sells real estate to the stars and uses the domain name mysharona.com, so I guess she wasn't too scarred by the whole thing, but still. Gross. People who are 25 should not date high school students. Also: the Knack's famous dud of a second album was called "But the little girls understand," which is a reference to "Back Door Man," but in that song it's a little more like he's referring to grown women as "little girls," which is problematic, whereas the Knack seem to actually be talking about little girls.
2. "Christine Sixteen"--KISS.
Then-28-year-old Gene Simmons sings about a 16-year-old girl. Gross. Also the spoken word part is deeply creepy--"I don't usually say things like this to girls your age, but when I saw you comin' out of school that day, that day I knew, I knew I got to have ya. I got to have ya!"
Jesus Christ, Gene. You're a rock star. Why are you perving on girls walking out of school? Also: you don't usually say things like this to high school students? But, you know, sometimes you do? So what you're saying is that this is not like a one-time deal. But sometimes you just happen, as a guy pushing 30, to hit on high school students. Blecch.
Catchy as hell, though, and Tone Loc sampled it for "Funky Cold Medina," which I guess is also problematic but way better than this.
1."Young Girl"-- Gary Puckett and the Union Gap.
So the song was written by a 30-year-old, and the age of the young girl isn't specified, but she's "just a baby in disguise." I suppose one could argue that the guy knows the girl is too young for him, but, as with "Hot Blooded," I'm not at all convinced by his concern. Also, he's all, "better run, girl." Something wrong with your legs, Gary Puckett? (Gary did not write the song, but he chose to record it, so no mercy for him.) Why are you demanding that the young person correct the situation? Again, the kind of putting the onus on the kid to stop the situation that is kind of typical of predatory adults.
The hypocritical sanctimony is somehow even more grating than Gene Simmons' straightforward creepiness. Oh, you're so tormented by your sexual desire for someone you know is too young for you! You poor dear! If only she'd leave you alone! Also, whereas most of the other songs on the list have some kind of redeeming quality in terms of being catchy or rockin' out, there is absolutely nothing redeeming about this song. The appalling lyrics are couched in a treacly arrangement and cheesy vocals. It is a piece of shit about a piece of shit. I did not embed a video because this song is trash and should never be listened to by anyone ever again, even to condemn its awfulness.
