Small Talk to Big-Talk During NYFW and Beyond

There is nothing worse aside from crabs and the end of summer — arguably, of course — than small talk. Small talk is with good intent; to not engage your water-cooler companion is awkward and rude. We are given the gift of human gab for the sake of etiquette, after all, not mere communication.

But during the back-to-school season that follows three months of a largely socially-sequestered summer, the inevitable questions that come with polite intent are not just tedious to answer, they are impossible to ask. There are only so many times you can explain that yes, you’re still not dating anyone special and yes again, Labor Day Weekend was great. (I know, I can’t believe how quickly it went by either!)

During fashion week this is even harder. It’s something about the distracting clothes and thumping music and sentiment of disbelief that you’re lathering on hand sanitiser as opposed to suntan lotion.

So naturally, we made you a guide. We made it for ourselves, really. Use it wisely.

Questions to ask/things to remark that incite a response you can ignore:

Have you been following the #junkoff hashtag on Twitter? If so, which one is your favorite?

Dicks. That question is about animal dicks. Get involved.

Why doesn’t anyone actually run on the runway?

How the hell is a pilot supposed to land a plane on this thing?

For a catwalk, there is a dramatically disappointing lack of cats.

Uh, who invited the models, am I right?

How many of those photographers in the pit do you think are actually just really obsessed helicopter parents taking photos of their model-daughters for the family Christmas card?

Hey look over there! *run away*

How to respond to:

How was your summer?  

“It was fantastic, thank you. I stalked various migratory patterns of birds, won a hot dog eating contest and fainted at least once.”

By the time your interviewer finishes processing your answer the show will have begun.

What’s new? 

“What is new, you know?”

It’s so existential that it will send your interviewer into a head-tilting tail spin of an inner monologue, causing them to question all that he or she ever knew.

Are you seeing anyone?

“I am seeing you right now!”

It is true, literally, and also, confusing.

So, how’s work?

“Have you scheduled your annual colonoscopy?”

Health is never not a concern. You are being thoughtful. Shh, little bear. There, there.

Are you guys totally crazy?

“Totally. Today we sacrificed the youngest in the office, drank her blood and then went to Soul Cycle.”

I mean, they asked.

Are you going to Givenchy?

Givenchy and I are in a fight.

It implies that you were invited, but that you’re so inside you’re able to be back on the outside, you know? Reverse-metacism. It never doesn’t not not work.

And when in doubt: carry glitter in your pocket. Grab a handful and blow it whenever you’re tired of talking. Works every time, everyone loves sparkle, and everyone wins. You’re a pro.

Photographed by Krista Anna Lewis

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