The Highlighter in the Fridge

Grief does something to your memory. Having been down this road multiple times, I know this well. It's like when someone dies, grief moves into your brain and forces everything to be shifted around because there isn't as much room as before. And one of the area that loses is one's memory.

When I was working on doctorate, my dad died about the time I was finishing my coursework and getting ready to start my dissertation. There was a woman who was almost done with her dissertation and somewhere in that process he mother had died. One day in an email she told me about she couldn't find her highlighter; she had no idea where it was. And then she opened the refrigerator and there it was. Ever since then I call memory issues during grief "The highlighter in the fridge."

When my sister died, I was 21. Yes, I had responsibility but I was a college student and most of that responsibility circled around my classes. So of course it made it harder for me to keep track of assignments and content, but I don't remember having the challenge I had after my mom died just a year and a half ago. Nor do I remember it as a challenge after my dad's death nearly ten years ago.

But after my mom died– and I'm obviously older than the two previous deaths– I felt like I was constantly dropping balls. It felt as if Greg walking behind me catching them as I strolled along not realizing I was missing something. And I found he would tell me things and later I would ask him what we had discussed in our conversation. I have worked hard to at least not look like a spacey blonde but I definitely felt like the part fit me.

My life is also different than either of the previous deaths. As life isn't stagnant– and it shouldn't be– so I would expect this. Mom's death meant a different set of changes in my life though: it meant both of my parents were deceased and because I was away when my sister and my dad died, this was different because she had been living with me. Alone with a sizable house to take care of, it was challenging to keep track of everything and everyone (the four dogs included). 

No matter what's happening our lives though, grief is taxing and challenging. And each time it happens we're faced with new lessons. I don't want them but they are part of moving forward and making the most of this short life we have. And leaving the highlighter in the fridge won't last forever. Grief won't take up so much space as you continue to process through it. Eventually it will only get a nook.