“September is Going to Be Okay, Promise.” – Your Horoscope

Hi and welcome to September 2nd. It probably took you one entire day to recover from the shock that is September 1st. I’m not sure why we are always so shocked seeing as this happens every year, but ask me how many times I’ve been surprised that it hurts when I shove hot pizza into my mouth, then ask me how many times I’ve repeated this action anyway. Who else just got hungry from that sentence? Eat your horoscopes instead; they’re home cooked by Astrology Zone’s Susan Miller, reheated with extra crazy sauce by me.

Virgo

Happy Birgo, Virgo. You’re probably the only dude not bummed about month numero nine, especially since you’ve got Jupiter in your sign for the next 12 months — something you’ve been waiting 12 years for, apparently. Desper…anyway! But why do we care about Kel Mitchell’s favorite planet? Because it makes everything golden like a flash tat aftermath.

As for love? Yes please. Coming your way today (omg) and again on the 12th and 13th. That’s fashion week, so it could mean falling for a pair of shoes, too. If you’re reading this on the proposed Wednesday, take note: With Mars in the hood, Cupid may hit you where the good lord split you (Uranus jokes are possible even without the planet present!) and cause you to crush on someone who is definitely a bad idea. Be choosey — someone better will be close around the corner.

Libra 

Can you even beLibra it’s September?! Me eitha. I actually can because I own a calendar despite hating the picture that corresponds with my own birth month. The early part of Sept. is going to be quiet for you. This is good. It probably means you won’t do anything weird over Labor Day Weekend to cause Tuesday Terrors. You could potentially have a creepy recurring dream or psychological breakdown around the 13th (who couldn’t, though) to which Suzy Roo just wants you to see a therapist. The usual.

Your big day is the 27th, when a total eclipse of the moon will arrive in Aries and really shake shit up with your alliance in love or business. The relationship may change dramatically (Susan Drama Miller for you) but thanks to other planets doing planet stuff, the results will be ever in your favor. You know what they say: lint is a shell’s best friend. And things happen for a reason.

Scorpio

Nothing like starting a horoscope off with an old-fashioned pickup line: “If you were a stock on the Stock Exchange,” writes Susan Miller as she leans casually against the bar, “the evening news anchor would be reporting that your stock is currently climbing through the roof.” Dow ow! Things are going from good to better for you. You’ve been killing it at work too, and you still will, but this month is also going to bring much-needed balance, meaning more time for friends and romance.

Speaking of! You’re going to shed some old friends and make room for new comrades. And new friends come with their friends, and you remember what Isaac said about meeting potential hook-ups-n-beyond, right? Throw a party. I’ll invite myself.

Sagittarius

I think you’re about to become famous, or at the very least, become the Oprah of your own career field. Everything you’ve ever dreamed of when it comes to makin’ bacon is going to come true — partially thanks to the planets of course, but stop being bashful: you’ve worked hard. It’s at least 60% thanks to you, too! Make sure you’re dedicated to getting the payment you deserve along with the limelight, of course. Speak up, lean in and demand that byline.

Now’s the ideal time to go on vacation — a final hurrah while the planets are beefing up good aura vibes in your favor. You’re literally sneezing magnetism (you should get that checked, could be mild lead poisoning) but it also means you just might meet someone at the cruise ship’s magic show even though you’re sitting right between both your parents.

Capricorn

I hate the word “horny,” if you were wondering why I’ve never made a pun using your sign in that way. Anywho!

Though your career and finances are on the uptick, it’s travel that Suz focused on for you: “You are excited about taking off on your magic carpet to experience the sounds, tastes, colors, and scents of new cities, towns, and hamlets, very possibly based abroad,” she writes. Let’s take a moment to appreciate her use of the word hamlet then cogitate below about where the hell you’re going.

Now, if you can’t get away but you’re feeling the itch, you should first see a dermatologist, then set up a few international calls or meet French people on the subway and call it a damn day. Oddly enough, she didn’t mention love — but I think we can all assume it’s implied when travel is involved. Something about those altitudes.

Aquarius

Here is the Susan I know and love: today you will receive a “highly romantic and rare vibration…these two cosmic lovers will meet in your marriage sector. Both planets will be found in your opposite sign of Leo, and both will be in ideal angle to Uranus.” Vibration, cosmic lovers, Uranus: it’s where the magic happens.

Because Mercury — which rules your love sector — is going retro on the 17th, you may find yourself falling back into a leg tangle with someone you previously danced with. Horizontally. You know. But for once in your life, this will actually be a good decision. People mature, old dogs learn new tricks, and when stars align, bullshit fades. You may have to recite the old “He’s changed and I’ve changed” speech once or twice to your friends, but they’ll come around. They’re just being good lighthouses and looking out.

Pisces

“This will be an extraordinary month to be a Pisces,” says Thriller, though I have to be honest — she doesn’t go into a lot of detail. Your horoscope is shorter than usual (she probably was on vacation) but she didn’t give me a lot of her typical weird to work with. Still, no one said fabrication is a crime so long as the pattern’s pretty. Therefore:

A) Venus and Leo will have a positive conference call regarding your career, highlighting your LinkedIn page with so much neon yellow that recruiters will be rendered unable to miss it.

B) Mars is making a money stew in your sign. The pasta is shaped like this: $$$.

C) The solar eclipse on September 12-13 will make you feel ready to settle down. The uptick on dating apps once everyone finally stays put for a fall weekend means your likelihood of matching with a total star-studded banner is high. What? Exactly, because nothing says love like the sound of crunched leaves and confusion.

Aries

Susan Miller is being ca-razy. Total MOAC. Last night was a Tuesday and she wanted you to go out because if you’re single, you could have met someone. If you are tethered, you two would have had a romantic evening and consumed a normal amount so as not to avoid a coma upon “bed time.” The good news, in case you’re reading this and sobbing at your missed opportunity (technically my fault since you’re getting this a day late, but I wasn’t the one who stayed in) you can replicate the evening tonight.

In fact, the whole month is looking promising. Make sure you hit the town (#endlesssummer — don’t let September stop your groove! You’ll sleep in February! That month sucks!) because no matter where you go, you might meet the human of your dreams.

Now here’s a weird and fun September Susan Miller prediction: you may change your hair this month. If not your hair, then definitely your name. The artist formerly known as…

Taurus

Our love life is literally improving by the hour. You may have felt a bit of the flirt last month, but in September more than ever, our wheels are really kicking into high gear. We’re like Carrie Bradshaw with so many dates and less annoying questions. An important piece of advice: be open to different types. No need to close yourself off just because the potentially cute person who asked for your number is wearing shoes you’d rather chuck at a loud chewer’s head. (Also important advice: this whole swoon-y business may also pertain to an actual partner in business, as in, you and your boss could just start getting along better. But even so: it’s a month for romance!)

Kindly note that the power of baby making is also sitting pretty in our sign. This is so nice for anyone with a birth plan or a couch that is used for sitting as opposed to magazine storage, but for those of you who are unprepared to make proper use of your nips — JUST BE CAREFUL! Sounds like a lot of action is in the air. You never know. I once read that you can get pregnant from an awkward pause.

Gemini

I am going to take a wild guess that you just heard great news about your job. Am I right? If not, then just sit on your damn hands and wait — it’s coming.

For all your early Halloween planners (who else already knows what they’re going to be?) this is your ‘scope: Susan wants you to start planning a Halloween party now because Venus and Mars will be hooking up again (they just did last night, in case you missed the first love boat) and I guess hosting them incentivizes them to bring their cute friend that you keep asking about.

Also, while love is super important, so is friendship. Two things: one, you may feel like a friend is bowing out around the 27th. Don’t take it personally — you two will get back in the groove once she’s out of her funk. (I repeat: it will not be about you.) Two is courtesy of Suz, live and direct: “Friends will have exceptional ideas on September 8 – check your email!” What’s my password again?

Cancer

Are you reading this from the airport? Susan Miller thinks you might be, or should be. She also thinks you should buy a car because she is totally reasonable. (If you actually are in the market for a vehicle, don’t sign anything from 9/17 — 10/9 because of Mercury’s little trip to Club Retrograde that it’s planning. Hopefully you guys won’t be on the same flight.)

Meanwhile, Mars is “entering a conversation with Venus” on September 8. Back in my day, we called this a Booty Call. The difference here is that this conversation will be good for your career.

But what about that booty call? Glad you asked. Saturn is going to leave your love sector on 9/17 — same day Mercury’s peacing out too, don’t you planets have jobs? — but Saturn’s departure is, like Martha Stewart would say, “a good thing.” All obstacles that have previously stood in the way when it comes to love (money, location, an inability to look beyond his idiosyncratic ticks) will disappear. You’ll be able to see clearly now that the rain is gone, and it’s gonna be a bright, (bright), bright, (bright) sun-shiny day.

Leo

Hey Leos, I sure do hope you like being rich! Susan predicts a “financial bounty” this month for your sign. Be careful at the beginning of the month — have your lawyer/mom look over any important money-related documents and try not to finalize anything until around the 13th. Then you can play super soakers in your money-rain.

Regarding romance, yesterday was supposed to be your best day. However, today’s outlook isn’t so bad, either. Not sure what your work to love-life ratio looks like, but if it’s less than that of the newest dating app, then get your butt out of your swivel chair and hoof it to your nearest salad store. You never know who you could meet in line. You also never know who could like chopped hard boiled eggs and raisins like you. It’s possible, too, that you could meet someone on September 6th, proof that life is just one big rom-com plot: you won’t recognize this stranger as someone-someone. Not until a few weeks later, at least, in which case, what a funny story.

*

Oh, and a note to all: Mercury’s going retrograde on the 17th. Hang on to your cellphones, kids. Or at the very least keep a bag of rice handy.

Illustration by Cynthia Merhej.

The post “September is Going to Be Okay, Promise.” – Your Horoscope appeared first on Man Repeller.