The Rules of Style by ‘Saved by the Bell’

Theory: if Saved by the Bell were still on air today, there is a 0% chance it would be on tomorrow. During this day of abundant political correctness — a unique time wherein Jerry Seinfeld won’t even crack a joke if he’s not acutely familiar with his audience — it is inconsistent to assume that Jessie Spano could plausibly call her on-again-off-again boyfriend a “male chauvinist pig” while she conforms to the sartorial and societal constructs that make one Kelly Kapowski so profoundly alluring as a viable mate.

Those characteristics, of course, are informed by her tight jeans, crop (bikini?) tops and that sense of overarching subservience on crude display every time Zack Morris proclaims her, “his.” She retorts with a charmed smirk and like that, we’re conditioned to believe it’s suitable that such a totem of post-modern femininity should plea an unflinchingly lackadaisical approach to what is hers. And what about Screech! The most manipulative of them all, with his seemingly-innocuous romantic lust for the fringe jacket and cowboy boot-wearing Lisa; he’s no better than the rest of the gang. “My pet,” he calls her!

Lest we forget one seminal scene wherein the damsel Ms. Spano shows herself to be excited, excited, and OMG, now scared.

Instead of confiding in one of her female comrades, though, she’s left to be puzzle-pieced back together by the consoling, rock-hard shoulder of Zack Morris.

I croon.

I kid.

Because realistically speaking, the show was arguably nothing more, nothing less than rules of style on display to be later encapsulated on the Internet. So consider the following a junior-varsity level handbook.

1. Bikini tops can be shirts. They can boast subliminal messaging thus allowing you to call your boyfriend a male chauvinist pig while you wear one. Isn’t it, after all, fashion that sets us free?

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2. The recently-omnipresent Baja print need not apply exclusively to the hoodie; consider it for a button down. Wear it to the office.

3. Lifting your arm to show off your bicep while wearing a shirt unbuttoned cancels out the messaging, because, hello, we’re a generation of self-deprecators. Choose a new way to share your abs. If, however you’d like to keep your sneaker tongues on display, be my guest.

3a. Thou shall not emasculate your male counterpart for wearing a unitard. (And neither shall you reprimand his curls or accompanying mullet.)

4. Thou shall celebrate your female contender for selecting a hue as bright as orange for her unitard debut.

4a. Ye shall replicate with a floral denim jacket.

4b. Ye shall not omit a matching pair of jeans for a later date — and ye shall absolutely redefine the power suit using the aforementioned tools.

5. Belts are like semi-colons: useful and respectful about maintaining attention to detail but never actually vital. Wear them often.

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6. Give tie-dye a chance.

7. Remember that ankle socks add a dimension of personality to your chosen footwear. Like a saddle on a horse only less expensive.

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8. If your t-shirt is going to say a lot about you, make sure it says something cool, like a one-eyed woman with red hair, for example.

9. Bad denim is always a good idea.

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10. Srsly though.

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