Five Thing$ You Didn’t Know You Needed

Our social media director keeps telling me to shut the fuck up about fall because according to the analytics that she combs through, nobody wants to read about it. And look, I get it, I totally understand. I don’t even really want to talk about it but I’m not going to lie to you, 1) because I’m not a liar but also because 2) I have a hard time with the whole shutting the fuck up portion of clause #1, I am vaguely — just vaguely — excited for the imminent new season.

This does not mean I am ready to bid summer farewell.

Hell nah.

Give me an ice cube and I will blissfully watch it melt through my finger cracks in under a minute.

It just means that I am human, and humans are conditioned to like new things. We thrive on change! Shiny! New! Things!

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So if you’re telling me that it needs to be September 1st in order to own a pink satin mini skirt then I’m going to cheerlead for Team Wake Me Up When September STARTS. The same goes for an 18k gold crab that looks like it is ready to hang off a tree branch but actually just wants to find an ear to accommodate its clinginess. Yes, sure, it is astronomically priced, but this is an episode if If the Internet Was My Closet, and as such, my credit card is linked to a bank account full of Monopoly money.

And how about those black and white pumps? They’re basically like, “Give us sheer ankle socks and that satin mini skirt you were just talking about and let us show you what it means to transition dress.” All I ever want is an article of cloth or fashion accessory to break the Hammurabi code that is transition dressing, can I get a heck yeah, here’s the wage to be paid to an ox owner or what!

Excuse my digression.

If my theory was right, and logos are back, and they reflect an ironic nod to the new guard of personal style evangelists, then who better to help me/you/us usher in the era than Bugs “carrots rule and so does pigmentation” Bunny?

The fact of the matter, however, is that we still have two weekends of unadulterated sun tan lotion and swan floats (RIP?) ahead of us, so in the event you have not yet purchased the Lisa Marie Fernandez terrycloth cape I have been subliminally imposing upon you since, like, April, just know it’s 60% off on The Outnet now.

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