The Easy Secret to Being Happy

A couple of months ago I was interviewed on a podcast on the subject of happiness and success. Towards the end of the interview, Sean asked me for my best tip on how to be happier and more successful. I replied, “Stop criticizing yourself—instead learn how to think in a way that gives you the positive energy you need to be and do what you’re really capable of."

I explained to Sean that most people criticize themselves in subtle ways without knowing it. For instance, when you think in terms of “should,” “ought to” and “could have” you are almost always criticizing yourself. We mean well when we think this way but we can’t criticize our way into more happiness and success. 

Ask yourself if you’re being an empowering coach to yourself or a disempowering critic. Be a coach to yourself and give yourself the support and feedback you deserve and need. (This isn’t just about giving yourself positive feedback. It’s also about telling yourself what you need to hear but doing it in a constructive way that opens up the way to positive change.)

If you give yourself more positive feedback and recognition, you will be more motivated to bring more success into your life. Decide today to give yourself more positive feedback, validation and support, instead of waiting on others to do so. Waiting on others to give you what you need makes you a passive observer in life instead of the leader you are.

In my coaching workshops, managers tell me they don’t get enough feedback on what they’re doing well. Their boss is quick to tell them about problems they need to fix. They don’t seem to have the time to regularly tell them things like, “I noticed you took the time to listen to your employee, draw out her concerns and help her to find solutions. I think you have a real talent for bringing out the best in others.”

Employees and managers want to hear more positive feedback. But why wait? I tell them, “It would be great if your boss gave you more positive feedback but you don’t control that. What you do have control over is what you do or don’t do for yourself.” What about you? How can you develop the habit of recognizing and giving yourself credit for who you are and what you do?

You might be thinking, “I don’t need to give myself more support and positive feedback. I need to challenge myself more, expect more from myself and do better.” I hear that all the time from clients who are motivated and have high expectations of themselves. 

However, if you want to challenge yourself and get good results you have to have a solid relationship with yourself. Think about having a boss that challenged you often, but didn’t give you the credit you deserve. He or she might have good intentions, but good intentions can easily backfire.

Instead of “motivating” you, your manager unintentionally demotivates you. It’s the same way with how you relate to and communicate with yourself. Do you do the very thing you wouldn’t want your boss to do? Pay attention to what you’re doing right and recognize yourself for it. That will give you the emotional fuel you need to keep it up, and it also gives you the right to challenge yourself to keep learning and growing. 

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach