Get a Grip on Your Emotions

Kristin is a superviser who told me, “I need help controlling my emotions when someone says or does something that upsets me. I’m like an open book and people can read what's going on.” Kristin knows that this trait may be impeding her success. If you’re in a similar situation, here’s what you can do: 

Identify the real problem. I realize that it’s easy to think it’s the other person that’s upsetting you. After all, if they have a habit of interrupting you, stealing your ideas, or talking to you in a disrespectful way, wouldn’t that upset anyone? Yes and no. It’s normal to feel frustrated or irritated when something happens we don’t like.

However, our beliefs, assumptions, and perspectives dictate how we feel about an event, not the event itself. We know that because what one person takes in stride, another over-reacts to. The real problem isn’t people saying or doing things you don’t like. The real problem is not being able to manage your emotions and choosing to respond in a constructive manner. 

Look in the mirror to calm down. Not literally, but figuratively. You’re upsetting yourself because you’re telling yourself the other person shouldn’t say or do what they’ve said or done. But why shouldn’t they? Like you, they’re not perfect. You acknowledge that you often communicate through your body language and how you respond to others in ways you don’t like.

So now we have two imperfect people who could stand to learn how to communicate and interact with others in a better way. Looking in the mirror will enable you to have empathy for the other person’s mistakes and empower you to stay calm.

Choose how you want to respond. When you allow others to push your buttons, you’re reacting, not responding out of conscious choice. Once you remind yourself that no one is perfect and they won’t always say what you think is “right,” think about the outcome you want from how you respond to them. Take some deep breaths and the time to process what the other person has said. Tell yourself you want to improve the situation, not make it worse.

Speak up and set boundaries as needed, but do it from a place of self-management and in a way that extends understanding and respect for the other person. This takes practice and you won't learn how to manage your emotions and how you respond to others in a day. Focus more on yourself than you do other people. Improve your ability to communicate from a place of self-awareness and choice and one day you won't have buttons others can easily find and push.

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach