Not-So-Fantastic Four (Not A Movie Review)
So I just got back from the new Fantastic Four movie. I'm not even gonna write a review about this one; while we all thought this was going to fill in the gigantic holes that the 2005 movie and its sequel had, it did do that at certain points. But in doing so, it forgot to do what the older movies did right.
Don't get me wrong. The new one had some interesting ideas and, let's face it, this new Thing actually looks like the Thing. The 2005 Thing looked exactly like Michael Chiklis only made out of stone, beer gut and all, so that���s a point for the new film in that the Thing actually looks like the Thing - a fact that I cannot stress enough. The new cast of breakout stars did an excellent job and honestly having Sue be the adopted Storm child worked really well when you see the conflict between her and Johnny - which you'll miss if you blink, because it happens like three times for about one line each way. The way these characters got their powers and the immediate aftermath of the government trying to weaponise them is unique and original, even if about 60% of the movie takes place at some bullshit location called Area 57. Seriously, did the 1 on their door sign just get tilted to one side or something? And, of course, Sue Storm is not a genius whose genius is only mentioned once with a super-suit with its zipper drawn down so it conveniently shows 75% of Jessica Alba���s cleavage. She is just a genius... and not much else.
The characters stayed true to their comic counterparts as far as the 'Personality' section on any basic GaiaOnline roleplayer's character profile could fill them. Reed's a nerd with a survival instinct that borders on cowardice; Johnny's a hothead who ain't gonna listen to no one tellin' him what to do ('Mmhmm' *rolls head and snaps fingers*); Sue's a brainy little sister figure who once again makes it clear that nerdy girls can still be hot as long as they say nothing courageous and do nothing to display their intelligence except when no other options are left; and Ben is an muscle-struck idiot with a misplaced grudge, who forgets his misplaced grudge immediately after Reed stops being a coward for about twenty minutes. The Doom character in this movie was interesting and on-par with the Julian McMahon version... in the sense that what sucked about the old one was good about the new one and vice versa. With this Doom character, I was impressed by how he became Doom as a result of not only his spacesuit fusing to his skin but also becoming one with the energy system in the Negative Zone. That���s another thing, too. One sec, lemme just... get my megaphone... Ahem.
IT IS CALLED THE NEGATIVE ZONE! NOT PLANET ZERO! THAT IS BASIC FANTASTIC FOUR LORE! YOU FUCKED THAT BIT UP, TRANK!
Ahem... Honestly, if you thought Fox couldn't do worse than they did with the 2005 version... Well, that's why it's 'third time's the charm', not second. I���ve already talked about the poor characterisation, the lack of really noticeable conflict between the characters, and the disappearance of any depth in these characters beyond face value. There���s also the fact that the origin story takes up the entire story, leaving no room for the Fantastic Four to even be the Fantastic Four until right at the end. It says a lot that the only time the words ���Fantastic Four��� appeared in the movie was in the title screen. Honestly, you know a movie about people with superpowers is going to blow when more of the special effects budget is spent on the things that led to them getting superpowers rather than on them using their superpowers.
Really, by the end of it, when the credits started rolling, I was waiting for five things to show up: 1. The Fantastic Four actually being the Fantastic Four together for more than the three minutes it took for them to band together and kick the crap out of Doom. 2. A post-credits scene. 3. A Stan Lee cameo. 4. Ben Grimm to actually have a point going into the quantum gate when they get their powers, other than the way a children's author might bring their dog to a book signing because it inspired the main character and stamp their paw prints in stamp ink inside the covers. 5. The other half of the movie that the studio clearly forgot to put in. And none of them showed up. Maybe something similar happened to the test audience, or the writers, or generally anyone who was supposed to make sure this movie was good.
Long story short, Fox took another stab at Marvel���s first family and blew it even worse than the first time. Now I���m starting to think that it���s not a coincidence that our tickets didn���t read ���Fantastic Four��� but just ���F���. As in, the grade I am giving this movie.
Oh, look. I guess I did write a review after all.
Still, look at the bright side. At least this royal screw-up might be what gets Fox to give the rights to the Fantastic Four back to Marvel Studios.
Don't get me wrong. The new one had some interesting ideas and, let's face it, this new Thing actually looks like the Thing. The 2005 Thing looked exactly like Michael Chiklis only made out of stone, beer gut and all, so that���s a point for the new film in that the Thing actually looks like the Thing - a fact that I cannot stress enough. The new cast of breakout stars did an excellent job and honestly having Sue be the adopted Storm child worked really well when you see the conflict between her and Johnny - which you'll miss if you blink, because it happens like three times for about one line each way. The way these characters got their powers and the immediate aftermath of the government trying to weaponise them is unique and original, even if about 60% of the movie takes place at some bullshit location called Area 57. Seriously, did the 1 on their door sign just get tilted to one side or something? And, of course, Sue Storm is not a genius whose genius is only mentioned once with a super-suit with its zipper drawn down so it conveniently shows 75% of Jessica Alba���s cleavage. She is just a genius... and not much else.
The characters stayed true to their comic counterparts as far as the 'Personality' section on any basic GaiaOnline roleplayer's character profile could fill them. Reed's a nerd with a survival instinct that borders on cowardice; Johnny's a hothead who ain't gonna listen to no one tellin' him what to do ('Mmhmm' *rolls head and snaps fingers*); Sue's a brainy little sister figure who once again makes it clear that nerdy girls can still be hot as long as they say nothing courageous and do nothing to display their intelligence except when no other options are left; and Ben is an muscle-struck idiot with a misplaced grudge, who forgets his misplaced grudge immediately after Reed stops being a coward for about twenty minutes. The Doom character in this movie was interesting and on-par with the Julian McMahon version... in the sense that what sucked about the old one was good about the new one and vice versa. With this Doom character, I was impressed by how he became Doom as a result of not only his spacesuit fusing to his skin but also becoming one with the energy system in the Negative Zone. That���s another thing, too. One sec, lemme just... get my megaphone... Ahem.
IT IS CALLED THE NEGATIVE ZONE! NOT PLANET ZERO! THAT IS BASIC FANTASTIC FOUR LORE! YOU FUCKED THAT BIT UP, TRANK!
Ahem... Honestly, if you thought Fox couldn't do worse than they did with the 2005 version... Well, that's why it's 'third time's the charm', not second. I���ve already talked about the poor characterisation, the lack of really noticeable conflict between the characters, and the disappearance of any depth in these characters beyond face value. There���s also the fact that the origin story takes up the entire story, leaving no room for the Fantastic Four to even be the Fantastic Four until right at the end. It says a lot that the only time the words ���Fantastic Four��� appeared in the movie was in the title screen. Honestly, you know a movie about people with superpowers is going to blow when more of the special effects budget is spent on the things that led to them getting superpowers rather than on them using their superpowers.
Really, by the end of it, when the credits started rolling, I was waiting for five things to show up: 1. The Fantastic Four actually being the Fantastic Four together for more than the three minutes it took for them to band together and kick the crap out of Doom. 2. A post-credits scene. 3. A Stan Lee cameo. 4. Ben Grimm to actually have a point going into the quantum gate when they get their powers, other than the way a children's author might bring their dog to a book signing because it inspired the main character and stamp their paw prints in stamp ink inside the covers. 5. The other half of the movie that the studio clearly forgot to put in. And none of them showed up. Maybe something similar happened to the test audience, or the writers, or generally anyone who was supposed to make sure this movie was good.
Long story short, Fox took another stab at Marvel���s first family and blew it even worse than the first time. Now I���m starting to think that it���s not a coincidence that our tickets didn���t read ���Fantastic Four��� but just ���F���. As in, the grade I am giving this movie.
Oh, look. I guess I did write a review after all.
Still, look at the bright side. At least this royal screw-up might be what gets Fox to give the rights to the Fantastic Four back to Marvel Studios.
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