It’s Official: August Is the Best Month Ever

According to my girl at Astrology Zone,  we are well-primed to have the best month ever. Ready? Susan Miller, take it away!

Leo

Happy birthday, Kitty Cat! It’s that time of year again where Susan-as-Rafiki holds you up over the Astrology Zone kingdom and proclaims that everything the light touches is yours. Since it’s your month of womb-exit, I will generously entertain this notion. Especially since you’re kind of passing along the astrological flower crown of favoritism on to Virgos for the next year.

But don’t worry! You’re still Susan’s favorite and the month of August is going to be great. Instead of a cake upon which to make a wish, you’re getting a new moon on August 14th. Thriller really wants you to channel your energy here into thinking about what you WANT, so do it, and don’t waste your wish on a sandwich just because you’re hungry. Think about what you want long term.

Then Susan offers up what is perhaps one of her grosser sentences in a while: “Leo will reach out to Uranus in Aries…almost guarantee[ing] a gaggle of surprises. No matter what you expect to happen, won’t, and…[all that] transpires will be frothy fun.” SUSAN. WHAT IS FROTHY FUN? A foam party? An STD symptom? A drink offered at a bachelorette party?? Whatever — Aug 19 is the day to keep your eye on the fries. Your best day, however, will be August 26 — a date she marks for every sign in the system. It’s gonna manifest differently for everyone, so find your bliss and bask in the glow of that sweet Serengeti light.

Taurus

According to Susan Miller, the number one question she gets asked is about making babies. This seems like a waste of a genie’s wish because you can just google, “How do I make a baby?” However, what you can’t google so well is, “When am I going to fall in not-single?” Good thing that’s what your horoscope is for, and your horoscope says, “Right now.”

Yes, Taurs. This is our time. We are our best selves in August!

August 26 is the luckiest day of the year — for everyone, yes, but remember: this is your cruise. Wear that damn bathrobe to the buffet table. Eat too much ice cream. You’ve got Jupiter and the Sun making out in your house of love, causing this Wednesday to be the moment you meet meet someone new who doesn’t just end up being a fling. Cha ching!

Ever the party girl, the Thriller stresses that we get out a ton this month. The 29th (a Sat) may be the most important party of the year, however — not because Ja Rule may or may not be performing, but because this too could set the scene for love. Note: don’t be afraid to brave it solo. Per the best line Susan has ever written: “…After all, this is a party, not Noah’s Ark”

Pisces

What Susan and I have in common besides 800 other things is our love of a theme. In your case, she takes the aquatic life of Steve Zissou seriously with the following line on romance: “You are capable of swimming to the bottom of the sea of love” (because your sign is a fish, get it?), “and this may be one of those points in your life that love is all you hoped it to be, the kind of love you see in the movies or read about in novels.”

And not that you have to get married, but IF that’s your thing, then you’re going to meet someone (probably on the 26th because that is the DAY) who has a high likelihood of being the one-one, you know? Best for last: your career is taking off, which means you’ll be extra busy. Get ready to flex your John Hancock on some papers involving more money very soon.

Aquarius

Be honest: how much fun did you have on Snapchat being like HELLO AND WELCOME TO MY BLUE MOON? So much fun right? I know because apparently all of my friends on Snapchat are the same sign as you and those who aren’t still used the filter with an arrow pointing to it saying, “Da fuq is this?” Like, READ YOUR HOROSCOPES, NON-AQUAZ, n ud kno. (I wrote that sentence like so just in case you want to tweet it!)

Anywho. August will be one month-long cogitation for you, your main question being: how much longer do I embrace the single life? You’ll get antsy to not necessarily settle down, but attend dinner parties as opposed to after parties and maybe buy some relationship clothes. Though the 26th is lucky for everyone this month, your day to mark is August 11. Jupiter will move to Virgo until September 9, 2016 (it’s the new Brooklyn!), where, according to Suz, you will enter “the finest financial period you have seen so far in life.” Ohhhhh Rihaaaaanaaaaaaaa……

Capricorn

If you’re reading this on August 3, it’s not only not too late, Drake, it’s right on time: Saturn, your ruling planet, will go direct for the first time since its annoying March retrograde. (MUST BE NICE, AM I RIGHT?) Anything that’s felt stuck will finally move forward again. You’re going to feel more productive at work and your creativity will pay off (perhaps literally). Actually, not “perhaps.” Definitely. Susan talks about your August as though it is one big lotto, with the OG of emojis — $$$ — raining down like Vegas chips.

As for love, Susan said two different things: earlier in the month, say yes to first dates but be cautious. (It has to do with Venus in retrograde, and per last month, we’re going to give Venus a break because it never takes a vacation.) However, you may fall in love after the 11th, so, who knows. Here’s a cheesesteak!

Sagittarius

Your sign hasn’t seen Jupiter since 2004, which means Jupiter’s entry into Virgo this month (filling your tenth house of honors, awards and achievements) is like seeing Paris Hilton in your Us Weekly magazine for the first time since…2004. The difference is that it means a major boost in your career.

THEN. The sun will conjunct Jupiter in this same house on the 26th, which means you’re about to become as successful as Beyoncé or Oprah or something and I only offer such hyperboles because Susan’s got me all hopped up on exclamation points. Her words not mine: I am so excited for you, I can barely type!”

But man oh man does she type — mostly a lot of hoo ha about how she doesn’t want you to go on vacation during this time in case you miss “the call,” but like, go on vacation. Just check your voicemail for once. Actually go on vacation now. (How? Fake a migraine or lactose intolerance.) You could meet the love of your life or the like of your night.

Now. Ask me how I’ve gotten through at least 4 other horoscopes besides Leo’s without making a Uranus joke. I LITERALLY DO NOT KNOW. Well. On August 19, Venus will flirt with ye old planet of butts and make a “ highly sexy, sweet vibration.” Because “Uranus is the planet of surprise,” (these horoscopes write themselves) “you may just find an arrow hits you aimed at your heart by Cupid’s little fleet of angels.”

Scorpio

I am curious to know if you feel more proud of your sign than ever before after reading our list of lipstick facts, because one of the tidbits was that Cleopatra had her lipstick made out of carmine beetles, which I can’t exactly be bothered to run through Google image search, but after seeing that movie set in Egypt with the Rock I just sort of ASSUME they look like scorpions, and you’re a scorpio, so. Hey look over there!

Actually, I ask because your sign has had the greatest career success this year above all the others. And since it’s the most astrologically magical month of August our generation has ever seen, your stock is only going to rise (new jobs, new promotions, corner office, full summer Fridays).

NOW LET’S TALK ABOUT LOVE. August 26th is everyone’s lucky day this go-around, but for you, it’s the full moon of the 29th that will kick your romance into high gear and enchant the fuck out of you and someone special. However: if you have a crush on someone high-powered in your place of work as Susan Miller predicts, she doesn’t say don’t go for it, but she does advise you to “play it cool.” Can we get Isaac to weigh in here? Reread your HR manual is all I’m saying.

Libra

If you are dating someone then well la-di-da. JK! It means things are going well and only on the track to get better. However, if you’re not, you may meet someone this week since it’s so close to the full moon BUT, because Venus is napping for a bit (let her sleep!) take it slow. Don’t add him or her on every single form of social media just yet.

Now let’s get deep for a moment: Jupiter has bunch of cool shit in store for you regarding your career, but you have to focus, prioritize, and cut off the stuff that you kind of know is holding you back but don’t fully want to admit. Says $uz: “If don’t want to do the work of deleting certain draining relationships or elements of your life, the universe will make the decision for you. Of course, that’s not ideal, for it would be best for you to make the decisions for yourself.” Then she quotes Socrates. Then she says you’re going to have the best year of your life — but in one full year — so if I were I’d put my freakum dress on and spend the rest of the summer getting weird.

Virgo

Virgo, you are about to enter one of the finest years of your life. (Don’t flash this in Club Libra’s face — they have to wait a year for their #bestyearever.) To begin, Jupiter is in your sign and priming you to find THE ONE. Go out, meet people, brush your teeth and, per Susan, “don’t set up too many qualifiers for your ideal mate. You may think you know, but life holds so many surprises.” Ain’t that the damn truth. So you’ve got love blossoming, and then promise of major travel, and then your health is going to improve, your home will be protected AND you’re about to bake more bread than a Panera. That means make money.

Now: don’t waste your lucky day of August 26 sitting on the couch watching the televised lottery. GET ACTIVE! According to Daft Punk and Pharrell, staying up all night helps so drink a cold brew iced coffee right around 8 p.m. OH, and remember how I literally just said Jupiter was priming you for romance? On August 29, say hello to the vibration of love. P.S. Susan used the word moist in your horoscope. I apologize on her behalf and will have a talk with her immediately.

Aries

If your pockets feel heavier today, it could be sand from the weekend so be careful when you do laundry, or, it could be because Saturn finally got the hell out of your financial sector last night which means you’ll be able to start making a dent in any outstanding loans. Talk about a MON(EY)day, am I right? If you’re feeling braindead, it may just be the summer heat. On August 29th you’re going to get the astrological equivalent of Adderall and have a crazy surge of subconscious stimulation. Bonus: it’s all natural. WOO.

Then tomorrow, the 4th, your house of love is going up on a Tuesday. If you’re single, you won’t be much longer. If you’re seeing someone or were seeing someone and then broke up for the summer but have spent all of June and July checking his or her Instagram, now’s the time to get back together. You’ll get another love-boost at the new moon on August 14th. And if you’d rather be single, use the 13th to treat-yo-self to a spa day. It has to do with Uranus not being an ass for once, but do you really need a planetary analysis to convince you to get a massage?

Gemini

If you treated July like Christmas and hit the checkbook with abandon, your spending will calm down this month and you’ll be able to stop having #CerealSundays. In fact, because Jupiter (tied to financial success) is about to meet with Mercury (planet of negotiation, among other things) on August 7th, important deals may go through that cause the good kind of green rain. I mean dollar bills as opposed to acid. AND. August 7th is also a great day for travel. That’s a Friday, so put in your request for a summer dismissal now and get the heck out of dodge.

August 26th is a lucky day for everyone, but for your sign in particular, it revolves around your home. Looking for a new apartment? Check Craigslist today. And be wary of the words “cozy” or bud begs! Speaking of bugs: the 4th is your best bet for romance, but because Venus will still be on vacation with a polite albeit mildly annoying out of office response, accept all first dates, but don’t get rosé-drunk and run off to Vegas just yet. Once again, speaking of bugs.

Cancer

Hey king crab roll with avocado! You’ve got a new moon in Leo on August 14th about to send some sweet money your way that goes great with sushi and good times. On August 4th, even more could pour in — some important deal’s about to go through that will have a positive impact. On the same day, Susan notes this a fun one to spend with friends, making it sound like you may need to get the squad to call in sick on Tuesday. *Cough, cough* Something’s going around.

On August 11, you may learn computer coding, which is perhaps the most random thing Susan Miller has ever predicted. Naturally I had to put it in instead of some important stuff. BUT for other important stuff: Mars is giving you a sexy, radiant glow this first week of August. Get out and use it. Go on the Lena Dunham diet to win free iced teas and jerseys.

August 21st is going to be your cranky day. That’s a Friday, so don’t feel pressured to go out this night — but that’s the only night you’re allowed to stay in. Susan wants your sign out and about for #thebestmonthever, and if you’re really gonna rage: make it on the 29th. The moon is going to be as “big as a pizza pie in the sky,” which means good things for traveling, adventure, disco diving and street dancing. It’s also the considered the culinary North Star: lights will guide you home, and by home, I mean 4 a.m. pizza.

Illustration by Cynthia Merhej

The post It’s Official: August Is the Best Month Ever appeared first on Man Repeller.