The Wasp Whisperer: A True Account by Heather Novak

One peaceful summer day, the unthinkable happened…
A deadly wasp infiltrated my kitchen.

Straight from the mouth of Hell.

I live tweeted the experience. All of these events are completely true and not in any way dramatized. *

*dramatization

During my time held hostage by this, the most evil of insects, I posted live updates on twitter so I could preserve my potentially final moments. I fought not with bravery or valor, but instead wit and rhetoric. From behind a closed door.

I must warn you — it’s not pretty. The wasp was hostile. Children under thirteen should be accompanied by an adult.

From (Twitter) @authorheathern

Some lines have been altered for time and poor grammar.

Hour 1:

That moment when you’re cooking…and a wasp is crawling by you…and your epi-pen is in the other room…#run #DidITurnOffTheStove

Hour 1.5:

I’m hiding in my office. Towel under door. Must sneak out  for supplies and to check that I turned the stove off. Pray for me.

(Note: Stove was off! Huzzah!)

Hour 2:

It’s turned into worst case scenario. The wasp has gone missing. Anyone have the National Guard on speed dial?

Hour 3:

Prince Charming has arrived home. He is taking out the vacuum and walking slowly toward the kitchen. There’s no way this can go wrong, right?!

Hour 4:

Mayhem has ensued. The wasp has bested us, but we think he is injured. I am still in hiding.

Hour 5:

We’ve contacted a realtor to sign the property over to the wasp. It’s taken us by force and clearly deserves it.

Hour 10:

I’ve quit my job, as clearly I can never leave my room. But I need to pee… /eyes cowboy boots/

Hour 35:

Starvation has kicked in. I haven’t eaten in four forty hours. I may be hallucinating. What I thought was a cinnamon roll turned out to be a pair of nylons.

Hour 42:

The man has located the wasp (and my epi-pen) and will begin the extraction process. Blueprints are being researched. Two tanks have rolled up onto our front lawn. The President is on the phone.

Hour 745*:

I’m surviving on stale gluten-free pretzels and Trident gum. I have some apple lotion for dessert…

*estimation

Hour 27931:

The wasp has moved into a light fixture. Tools are out. Oven mitts are on. Battle to commence in 3…2…1…

Hour 996266:

THE WASP HAS BEEN ERADICATED! Epi-pen returned to purse. The locals cheer. The President will give a State of the Union address in one hour.

In honor of Prince Charming’s bravery to make the house wasp-free, we shall rename him:

The Wasp Whisperer.

Be jealous of how adorable we are!

 

I hope you enjoyed this rendition of The Wasp Whisperer. No humans were harmed in the making of this blog post…although one wasp was harmed. The wasp was ultimately trapped inside of the light fixture, which was quickly covered and set outside. I’d say that I hope the wasp is in a better place, but really wasps are just proof that evil exists in the world.

Stay safe. Lock your windows. Tip your waitresses.

Fun fact alert! July 30, 2015 is known for:

Only make friends with people who don’t own selfie sticks!

International Friendship Day 
Father-in-Law Day
National Cheesecake Day

Cheesecake, family, and friends? Sounds like one heck of a day!

 

 

Wishing You Laughter & Good Books,

Heather Novak

Bold. Bewitching. Breathtaking. 

Find me at:

Twitter: authorheathern

Facebook: authorheathernovak

Website: Heathernovak.net

Author of Hunting Witch Hazel featured in Falling Hard (A New Adult Anthology).

Hunting Witch Hazel Trailer

Available Now!

Amazon U.S.

http://amzn.to/1G0aCoQ

iBooks

http://apple.co/1Fb1Nrp

Amazon UK

http://amzn.to/1bKvOmc

Kobo

 

Filed under: romance