Daily Dialogue: Winglady in the Hard-Gay Fields
Maggie
How do you feel about boys?
Penny
Boys as in boys, or boys as in men?
Maggie
The latter, but feel free to comment on the former.
Penny
They’re ok. Why?
Maggie
I think I want one.
Penny
…which?
Maggie
The latter.
Penny
But you’re–
Maggie
I’m kidding. I love women too much for that.
Penny
You almost scared me.
Maggie
Almost? I can smell your sweat.
Penny
One: gross. Two: stop it.
Maggie
I wanted to say that I’m ready for a relationship.
Penny
I get to finally play wingman– wingwoman– winglady in a gay club?
Maggie
From rainbow flags to dykes and fags.
Penny
You… You can say those words?
Maggie
Semantic satiation.
Penny
English.
Maggie
You say a word enough times to rob it of its power, good or bad.
Penny
Does it work?
Maggie
Most of the time, but any word can be used positively or negatively. We call each other “bitch.”
Penny
Every chance we get.
Maggie
But if I were to call you, say, a potato–
Penny
I’d resist every urge to toss my chair at you.
Maggie
So, yeah.
Penny
The gay world is fine with people saying dy… dy…
Maggie
Dykes and fags, you can say it. And no, we trolls under the rainbow bridge aren’t fine with those words.
Penny
But you said them.
Maggie
It’s complicated. As my winglady, it’s best if you just abstain from those two words.
Penny
Ok. What do I call gay women and men, then?
Maggie
I’ve been partial to Sapphos and Queermos.
Penny
You made those up.
Maggie
One of them. Everyone knows about lesbians, but no one knows why they’re called that. It’s because of the myth of Sappho. She loved her some womens. And the women lived on the island of Lesbos. For some reason, people gravitated towards the island instead of the woman who lay waste to it.
Penny
And Queermos?
Maggie
It’s like Sapphos, only for dudes.
Penny
Has it caught on?
Maggie
No, not really. People look at me funny, then I have to explain things.
Penny
So why keep saying them?
Maggie
Because I like using them. And I’m hopeful.
Penny
Which gay club are we going to?
Maggie
Probably the most non-threatening one, in your case.
Penny
Why?
Maggie
Because you’re cute, and there’s no tasteful sign that you can carry saying that you don’t have the gay. Instead of worrying about you carried off during the night by a pack of Sapphos, it’ll be best to find a club that enjoys gays and straights.
Penny
But won’t I have to deal with dude-bros?
Maggie
Yeah, but women don’t give up.
Penny
And guys do? We can go to a club that goes hard-gay, I don’t mind. I can get belligerent if a woman doesn’t get the hint. We’ll be there for you, anyway, not me. I could also use the ego boost.
Maggie
Heh, fair enough.
Penny
Which club have you been to that’s gone the hardest-gay?
Maggie
Wow, the hardest-gay… There was one where women had no problem fucking in booths.
Penny
Yeah, I don’t wanna go to that one. I’m not a prude, I just don’t wanna catch an STD along with the beat.
Maggie
No, I get it. I was only there once.
Penny
Did you enjoy a booth?
Maggie
Mmmmaybe.
Penny
What’s in second-place?
Maggie
I think we can do that one. It had women in cages.
Penny
Ooo.
Maggie
“Ooo?”
Penny
I always wanted to dance in a cage.
Maggie
…really? What the fuck, why?
Penny
Are you kidding? Dancing as sexy as I want while everyone’s all looky and no touchy?
Maggie
Well, I guess we’re going to that one.
Penny
Yippee-skip!
Maggie
You know I’m gonna record you when you get in one.
Penny
That’s why I’m not gonna until you have your hands on some Sappho’s ass.
Maggie
Damnit. Well played, detective.
Penny
Thank you, thank you. Why do you want a relationship now?
Maggie
I just feel it’s time.
Penny
Your biological clock’s ticking?
Maggie
Only counts if you want a baby.
Penny
Oh yeah. So there’s no other reason?
Maggie
No, should there be?
Penny
Most people do it because they’re tired of being lonely.
Maggie
I’m not most people, though, am I?
Penny
Nah.
Maggie
It’s like when you have a taste for something all of a sudden.
Penny
You wanna taste a gal’s panty hamster, eh?
Maggie
I can do that whenever I want. I’d rather taste just one gal’s panty hamster for a while, besides mine. See how that works.
Penny
Aww, so romantic.
Maggie
As romantic as I’m gonna get.
Penny
I know. I’ve been around you on a few Valentine’s Days.
Maggie
You’re not gonna ask the obvious question?
Penny
Obvious?
Maggie
Why I’m looking for love in a club?
Penny
I got so excited by being a winglady and a cage dancer that I glossed over it. Yeah, why are you wookin’ pa nub in a club?
Maggie
Dating sites have never been good to me. I’m more of a tactile gal.
Penny
Doesn’t the mad bass yo make it hard to conversate?
Maggie
We just have to get a little closer, darling.
Penny
Heh, I get ya. I should pick out a skirt. Fuck that, I’m gonna buy a skirt.
Maggie
Um, that might be a problem.
Penny
Why?
Maggie
Because the cage is suspended. People can look up.
Penny
Let ’em! Heck, I’ll go commando, give ’em a real show.
Maggie
You’re not supposed to attract attention if you don’t want it, Penny.
Penny
I’ll be in a cage.
