How Dramatic Are You?

Between close friends, there is nothing like living your life through a series of hyperbolic superlatives. Whether your bagel is “literally the best fucking bagel” you’ve ever had or your shoes are “actually killing” your feet, only a true companion will allow you to narrate your life as though the middle part of the scale — 2 through 9 — does not exist.

To be clear, there are no shades of gray allowed for the mundane dribble you Snapchat your friends throughout your otherwise inconsequential work day. This is “the worst hangover in history,” not “kind of bad.” You “need a glass of wine NOW” or you’ll “set fire to the office,” but you do not “kind of want a drink.” For best friends, this is a cherished relationship and should not be taken lightly.

However, it’s proper friendship etiquette to prepare said bff for what’s coming. This way their mind is in the game.

The thoughtful way to introduce an over the top remark is with, “Not to be dramatic.” “NTBD” for short. This social contract, of course, requires NTBD to be followed by the most ridiculous and exaggerated statement you can manage.

Here are a few choice examples:

“Not to be dramatic, but my skin is so dry I need to take a personal day and go home to put moisturizer on my face.”

“Not to be dramatic, but my soup is so bad it’s making me weep.”

“Not to be dramatic, but based on my interactions at the bar this weekend, I’ll probably die alone.”

“Not to be dramatic, but if fucking [insert harmless coworkers name] asks me ONE MORE QUESTION I will throw a javelin at his face.”

“Not to be dramatic, but I’m 99% positive she’s lying about being gluten-free. I swear I saw her drink a Bud Lite once.”

“Not to be dramatic, but no one gives a shit about your cats, Taylor Swift. We’re all single too, get it together, gf.”

“Not to be dramatic, but every life choice I make is so monumentally bad I’m not sure how I get out of bed each morning.”

If you’re not complaining, you aren’t really living. So let’s hear it –this is a safe place. But also, NTBD, if you don’t comment, I’ll probably jab my armpit with a fork, pass out and then cry, so.

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