The Ultimate Summer Survival Guide

People are really dramatic about the summer: It’s freezing in here with the stupid AC on! I’m dying of heat! I’m so dehydrated! My butt looks like a walrus stuck inside a can of tuna in this swimsuit!

And yet we look forward to it every year, like an Iron Man Competition for slightly more sane people. However, if we’re going to be hyperbolic about “surviving” the season so many of us declare to be our favorite, we might as well scoop up a handful of Girl Scout mentality and Be — with a capital B — Prepared.

BUT NOT IN THAT WAY. This isn’t about being “bikini body” ready or spray tanned or even well-dressed. (Just copy her.) This is about packing your Summer Essentials kit now so that when someone asks, “Are you ready to party?,” you can look them square in the eyes and laugh.

Because of course you are.

First, you’ll need to practice the basic tenet of Living Hands Free — Secret Pockets — so that at any given moment you can wave your hands in the air without sending your cell phone flying. I am partial to a Boobypack which, in what is perhaps the greatest rhyme of our time since the Notorious B.I.G. paired “Birthday” with “Thirs-tay,” is a fanny pack for your rack.

Next! You’ll need a proper beach towel to avoid the hypothermic horror of exiting the  water and being greeted by some sad, thin rag . You want fluffy. You want a sun-warmed terrycloth hug. Kind of like this one Leandra is holding, as stolen from her Summer Outfit post. Thanks, Leandra!

Note: a good beach towel makes for a great superhero cape.

NEXT!

You need ONE: pair of sandals,  denim shorts, a white tee, an anklet (get festive!), a sarong (which will act as a skirt, a turban, a top, or a flag upon which to declare your sand-fort a No Clothes Territory), a baseball hat (less likely to fly away than the straw variety;  less sad when you inevitably lose it regardless of wind), a swimsuit…

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…and, we’re down to the wire here: a pair of sunglasses. Preferably ones that don’t ruin your life.

That 80s moment was brought to you by Tens, which you can buy here, although these sunglasses aren’t too shabby either:

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Now grab a tote and shove inside it whatever you’re not wearing per the list above, plus a book. (I vote China Rich Girlfriend for the train.) Steal a pack of cards — you’ll learn as you go — throw in a handful of Flash Tats (fun for sharing) and a bottle of wine (if you need help, use our guide). I told you this was about preparing for the party that is summer. Which just officially began.

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And guess what, Cub Scout? You’ll survive.

Illustration by Zoë Flood-Tardino, Photograph by Martin Parr. “Shame of Thrones” video by the hilarious CHIX Productions.

 

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