Are You Being Taken Advantage Of?

There’s giving that feels good and giving that feels bad. My oldest daughter is a Nurse Practitioner and she and her colleagues have made many trips to third world countries (at their own expense) to give of their time, energy, and medical expertise to those in need. Every time, they come back saying they got back far more from the experience than they gave. They felt needed and appreciated. That’s the kind of giving that feels good. 

However, I’ve  had clients, family members, or friends who were doing their best at work, working far more than forty hours a week, and doing solid work—but they received no recognition or appreciation for doing so. They gave a lot to their company and felt they got nothing in return other than their paycheck. That’s the kind of giving that feels bad.

You might have a relationship at work, in your extended family, or in your friendships where you are giving but the other person doesn’t seem to appreciate it and who gives little to nothing back. That’s the type of giving that feels bad. But there are many other situations where someone gives a lot and ends up feeling bad.

I'm talking about the spouse who supports their partner’s career to their own career detriment and the relationship ends up in a divorce.  Then there’s the employee who turns down an offer for a great opportunity at another company (out of "loyalty")—only to be “let go” when the company goes through a financial struggle. They gave what they thought the company wanted, but their company wasn’t concerned about what the employee wanted—loyalty in return. 

The bottom line is, if you have a relationship where your giving is one sided, something needs to change. In fact, what needs to change is you. Get clear on what you require so you can feel good about what you’re contributing. 

Do you need to feel appreciated? Does the other person need to take more responsibility so you can feel like you’re helping them rather than enabling them? Do they need to ask you how they can help you out in some way? At work, do you need to have your efforts recognized more often or do you need a raise to feel your work is valued?

For giving to feel good, there has to be some kind of reciprocity. My daughter and her medical colleagues felt they received more than they gave. For your giving to feel good, you have to get something back, even if it’s the good feeling of being able to help someone who needs help, but who isn’t in a position to help you. 

The bottom line is, life is about giving but it’s also about receiving. If you’re not receiving enough from those you give to, whether work or personal, you’re going to feel bad instead of good. The solution is to feel okay about getting your needs met and to take responsibility for making sure they are met. That way you can continue to give and to feel good at the same time.

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach