Why

I am a single father. I put everything I have into being a parent to my daughter and yet now, when she is out of the house on a sleep over, I can’t help the dark thoughts that won’t be ignored any longer.

I long for death, an end to everything. I have no real interest in life. I have a duty to my children, a duty which I will stand by. I will raise my children, I will teach them to be the strong independent girls that they deserve to be but all the while I will be longing to die.

Why? I don’t know and no longer care. I am on anti-depressents and I am very aware that I need them. The problem is they can only mask the symptoms.

My children are everything to me. They are the only thing in this world that I care about. Work, family, sex, alcohol, gambling… all sops. All minor ways to pass the time in this pathetic existence that I call life. I want to die, fuck it, I want to take the world with me.

Right now I am drunk. My daughter is at a sleepover and for the first time in a long while I am free to sit and be alone and all it does is give me time to go through all the reasons I shouldn’t be here.

I imagine the knife slicing through my flesh, that momentary burst of pain followed by relief and even pleasure. The spurt of blood, the chance to reflect on the reality of this pathetic existence and the long, calm, goodnight… fuck I want that so badly.

But no, I will be the dad, the parent, the responsible one and I will be here for my children. Four more years until my youngest is out of school and independent enough for me to finally end this painful existence. Four more years of life. God, I wish it was tonight…