Ask a Guy: “I’ve Never Had a Boyfriend.”

Dear Isaac,

I am 23, smart, cute, funny, and I have never had a boyfriend. My question doesn’t come from a place of why?, because I know why — I’ve never wanted one. I like being single. I had a good time with guys in high school and college and have had meaningful experiences. It’s not exactly like I’m starving for love.

Right now, I’m the only one in my close knit group of girlfriends who is single — which is new. Usually there are at least two of us who aren’t in a relationship, but that could also be because we all met in college when we weren’t concerned with finding someone. I don’t mind, honestly, because all these guys are great, so I really feel like I’ve just made five new friends. They’re all solid additions to our dynamic, and they all make my friends happy, so I have no reason to complain.

The reason I’m reaching out is because I feel like I haven’t grown out of that college mode. I’m nostalgic for a time when we all favored late night booty calls over flirty texts, when we put more emphasis on building our friendship than any relationship with a guy. It felt like we were always doing things for a story, and I guess I just assumed that would continue after we graduated. But here we are, a year later, and I kind of want what they have. I just don’t know how to go about it, how to get out of that hooking up mindset.

Sincerely,

No New (Boy)Friends

Hello NNBF,

Man can I relate. For as long as I can remember, I lived my entire life for the stories. Having a good anecdote > everything.

Here’s what I honestly think:

Casual hookups are all very good and well when everybody’s laughing and nobody’s getting hurt, but the likelihood of that continuing indefinitely is slim. I genuinely believe that sex is a lot bigger and more powerful than we give it credit for, and that the more we play around with it without being respectful of its impact, the more we are potentially messing with our future happiness (not to mention our emotional well-being).

For example: My male friends who sleep with everything that moves find it almost impossible to be sexually sustained in their long-term relationships, and always feel like they’re missing out on something the moment they get “locked down.” Sure, they’re absolute champions in their fellow male friends’ eyes, but all they’re doing is participating in a self-perpetuating problem, because casual sex is like cocaine; the more you do, the more you need to do.

As far as living life as a series of LOL-worthy stories, it’s important to remember that we’re not characters in a movie. Not every experience is for sharing, and in some cases, sharing the experience cheapens it. It recently occurred to me that if we’re always doing shit for giggles, then all we’re really doing is passively holding everything and everybody at arm’s length as a defense mechanism against getting hurt, and if that’s the case, then are we ever actually experiencing anything at all? Are you there Drake? It’s me, Isaac.

So how do you get over the hookup mindset? Stop hooking up. Try forging an emotional connection with someone before you jump into bed with them. You might end up getting hurt in the process, but you might not. It’s a risk we all take, and good things take time.

Have a relationship question for Isaac? He’s really good at answering stuff. Post your questions below or email write@manrepeller.com with ASK ISAAC in the subject line. Follow him on Instagram here, Twitter here, and check out his website here. However, if it’s wedding advice you need, check here first. 

Original image shot by Annie  Leibovitz for Disney.