We Combed the E-Comm-Net so You Don’t Have to

Shopping is a funny, tricky process. It can be either cathartic or frustrating depending on whether you’ve already come into the franchise that is your “personal style.” If you have, you might find yourself embroiled in a case of peanut butter syndrome — pushing the same pressure points you’ve been leaning on for months and expecting different results. Sometimes you get them, often you don’t, but there’s this sense that either way, you’re not bothered because you know what you like and when you take apart the reason you’re shopping, you understand that you’re not doing it because you need something new to say something new. You’re doing it because you want something new to say something old.

But say you haven’t come into your style yet, right? You haven’t figured out that you’re going to live and die by a template that will be unflinchingly you. So you approach shopping with the same eagerness you might approach ordering lunch. You need something to nourish you, you want to be smart about it and make sure that after the fact you don’t regret eating what you ate. You want to satisfy yourself without compromising a basic understanding that ice cream cake is not lunch but you also deserve to feel like you ate ice cream cake. So you’re scanning the food display, trying to talk yourself both in and out of eating everything available, becoming kind of frustrated and really overwhelmed and finally, it’s your turn to order but you panic and before you know it, you’re back at work with a rice pudding that is neither satisfying nor tasty. You reflect on what just happened and blame the vast options for your poor decision-making ability.

You think to yourself, Self, there is so much out there, I wish someone would just narrow it down. And then the food metaphor ends and boom: you’re back on ManRepeller.com with a list of twelve items you should look at as a refined arsenal of treats for yourself. Today.

For your loins:

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Striped pants, check. A pair of scalloped overalls (clocking in under $100), double check. Or maybe you’re finally ready to commit to a pair of white jean shorts only you’d rather them be a mini skirt. That’s cool, there’s something for you, too. And because retired gym teachers are trending for spring, you need huge khakis to make your knees look minuscule, but your approach to fabric wide and loud.

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Per the accoutrements, here are two pairs of earrings that will provide the kind of false edge addendum that piercings do without your having to commit to the actual piercings. If you get them, I would recommend wearing only one and letting your other lobe free-ball. Olympia Le-Tan is still for sale at The Outnet and while not cheap, cheaper than it has been. Those red lips could be yours for the very lucrative price of $44. Or free ninety free!

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If I were you, I’d definitely consider a mint green blazer to wear over a Victorian-style sleeveless blouse that is not vintage but rather, from Topshop. They’ll pair great with your new denim skirt and possibly, too, pink sunglasses. Happy Easter! The last blouse is a Nina Ricci turtleneck that’s on sale for $225 and does that cool Victorian thing too.

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And here we have shoes. From highest to lowest, Charlotte Olympia’s crabs are $390. Laurence Dacade’s picnic for your feet are $800. Acne’s mules (which, make no mistake, could become permanent foot furniture for you) clock in at $500, and Amelie Pichard’s ivory, terry cloth brogues will look so cool with your retired gym teacher shorts. Let’s go for a walk.

Oh! And you totally need gold clam hair pins.