Tories panic over new Celtic problem

Spooked by emerging reports of a huge surge to MK in Cornwall, Tory grandees were tonight in panic mode, frantically warning voters of the effects of such irresponsible and lunatic behaviour. ‘This is a terrifying prospect’ said ex-PM Stanley Baldwin. Mr Baldwin had felt so strongly he’d risen from his grave to dissuade the electorate from such mischief. ‘If MK hold the balance of power its MPs will hold our wealth and power country to ransom and trigger disaster’, he said. ‘They’d make outrageous and unrealistic demands such as actually getting rid of the pasty tax or seriously recognising the Cornish as the fifth nation of the UK. Or they’ll press for advanced warnings on TV before showings of Poldark, advising viewers not to buy a second home in Cornwall’, he added.

A succession of hedgefund financiers of the Tory Party phoned in from offshore tax havens in the Caribbean to point out that allowing the party that had clearly caused the economic crash of 2008 anywhere near government would result in disaster. Tory Leader David Pencameron denied any connection to Cornwall and pointed out how Milibland would be in hock to terrorists who wanted to restore the status quo ante the Charter of Pardon of 1508. ‘MK’s Dick Cole will run rings around the Labour cabinet’, he predicted. ‘I feel so strongly about this that I’ve put my surf board on e-bay.’

Various completely forgotten and usually totally ignored Tory peers have been dragged out of rehab and paraded in front of the main news outlets to expostulate about the mayhem and blackmail that would inevitably follow an MK presence at Westminster.

Meanwhile, BBC Spotlight’s Martyn Oates reported that as a result of the unexpected surge in support for MK England was facing its biggest crisis since the last World Cup. The delightfully coiffured political reporter was almost in tears as he reminded viewers that he’d done his best to treat MK with disdain in his election reports, describing it as a ‘so-called party of Cornwall’ and in reality a ‘Cornish nationalist party’. ‘Why? Why? How can my devoted followers be so ungrateful?’, he was heard to wail as the men in the white coats arrived.