Orthorexia Nervosa

As modern Americans, we have great skill in inventing new diseases. We usually do this for one of two reasons. One, to avoid accountability for our actions: “It’s not MY fault. I’m sick!” Or two, to sell drugs: “I have dry mouth syndrome. Time to eat my pill!”

But orthorexia nervosa is a new one: a disease invented purely for political purposes.

People who suffer from orthorexia nervosa prefer to eat organic, non-GMO foods. This is a very strong preference in some, as some are sicker than others. People with orthorexia nervosa do bizarre things like read labels. They exhibit an unhealthy interest in what they are actually eating. Some of their behaviors may even strike healthy people as funny, like choosing to pay a few dollars more to have food that hasn’t been genetically modified or slathered in pesticides. We shouldn’t laugh at them, though, because they are sick. Remember that, kids.

Unfortunately, the only effective treatment for orthorexia nervosa sufferers is euthanasia, so if you’re like me and have this dreaded disease, do what I do. Every once in a while, go into the store and buy a bag of Doritos or a couple of those strangely large, tasteless tomatoes. Make sure you can be seen by the cameras. Then go home and simply throw them away.

It’s probably not a very effective coping mechanism, but it just might throw the corporate overlords off your trail and delay that whole nasty euthanasia thing.