Getting Back on the Bike

I talked last year about the bad bicycle crash that happened on my birthday during a race. I was broadsided by a racer who wasn’t paying attention and who was DQ’d for hitting me. Nonetheless, I ended up in an ambulance with a concussion and a lot of other injuries. My bike was also badly damaged, though I repaired it. I hold no grudges toward this racer and wish the best for him in the future.

But …

The result of the crash has been that I am increasingly nervous about cycling outdoors. I forced myself to do a race in October, about 6 weeks after the crash, in hopes of overcoming my problems of replaying the accident repeatedly when I was on the road. It did help a little, but I continue to worry about crashing in my races this year, to the point that I find myself wondering WHY I signed up for any races. I like being fit, but do I really want to keep racing?

A lot of these same anxieties struck me for a couple of years following a contract cancellation in the publishing world. I kept writing, but I sent fewer manuscripts to my agent because I was so pessimistic about them. My wonderful editor kept trying to get me to send her proposals, but the fear of being rejected was something that was always in the back of my mind, and it can be deadly to being truly creative, taking risks, and being true to yourself–all of which are the basis of continuing to work in the arts.

Rejection is painful for everyone. I collected a lot of rejections for my work in the early days of my career, and each one hurt. Sometimes the ones that I knew were good signs, personalized notes, hurt even more than the form rejections. I think what I have to say about how to get back on the bike will apply to people who are at any stage of an artistic career.

First of all, you don’t have to get back on the bike. You can be finished. You can do something else with your life if that is what you choose, open-eyed, not allowing fear to be the only deciding factor.

But if you want to get back on the bike, some ideas:

1. Try writing something different, something you’ve never done before. Like riding your bike in a completely different venue, this may help open up your mind and stop you from replaying old, negative scenarios.

2. Create a group or reconnect with writer friends, as you might ask friends to bike with you in a group and help you conquer your fear of the road together. Friends can help read your work, but if you’re not ready for that, they can simply talk about the business, about their own struggles, and generally make you feel like less of a crazy person. This can be vital to facing the blank page again.

3. Read. Watch TV. Or do whatever else recharges your creative battery. Now is a great time to attack your TBR pile or to binge watch favorite shows. This will remind you of why you wanted to do this in the first place. For a cyclist, it’s like watching old reels of you on the road, or reminding yourself of your previous victories. But it pushes you forward. It may not seem to be working at first, but trust me, keep at. It will.

4. Be protective of your work. You have every right to ask people to treat you with special kindness, and if you don’t trust that they will–don’t share with them. Don’t go back on the road with people who may crash into you again.

5. Spend time doing nothing. Meditate. Go on long walks. Sleep. Sit with quiet. Your mind needs healing and your body may need it, as well. Give it what it needs.

6. Try small goals that seem ridiculously easy, like writing one sentence a day. For me on the bike, I think I need to actually get out and ride just a few minutes and see how it feels.

7. Draw or sing or do something else creative. This is akin to number 1. It may actually feel safer to do something completely different. Instead of riding my bike, I sometimes try to do Cross-Fit or weight-lifting or sign up for a swimming race.

Writers get hit a lot. We don’t always talk about it because people who aren’t writers don’t understand and if we’ve had any success at all, it can sound like we’re whining about not getting even more. But if you’ve been hit, there are a lot of people who’ve been there and can relate. You’re not crazy if you can’t just bounce back. It may not even be wise to keep working in the state you’re in. There may be more productive things for you to do. But give yourself permission to recover from your crash. Get angry if you need to get angry. Feel sorry for yourself. Cry. Take your bike apart and put it back together. One day, that crash may end up being important to your future.

Or that’s what I hope, anyway.