Relationships and Power

Relationships are about power. They aren’t only about power, but trying to take power out of relationships ends up making them feel false to me.

Sure, you can have a character who refuses to engage in political arguments. That character may say that she does it because she doesn’t want to ruin the relationship. But this is a kind of power and a declaration of superiority. I refuse to engage because I am not going to sink to your level.

Characters are always going to be jockeying for power. They may do it unconsciously, but they are still doing it. Best friends forever who would do anything for each other are still seeking for power in every interaction with each other. Siblings even more so.

Power is so much a part of the way that we see the world that we create power relationships even when there are none. Thinking of someone as a father figure is creating a power relationship where there was none.

The way that people often see same sex relationships as heterosexual (one is the guy and one is the girl) is because heterosexual relationships are about power on one level or another. Feminism is about women getting power, often by taking on masculine characteristics because the binary is all about power.

Anyway, as a writer, when you are developing the relationships between your characters, think about how to depict the power grabs as they play out. No one character will always have all the power. That is boring. Even the most downtrodden characters will try to take power back in one moment or another. And they will succeed, too. For just a moment, maybe, but it matters.

Too cynical of me? I think relationships are also about love, about common goals, about humor, and other things. But yeah, don’t try to pretend that power isn’t there or you’ll end up writing something flat and unreal.