Retraining the Mind for Success: Why our minds are set up for negativity and how it affects our relationships
“If you knew how powerful your thoughts are, you would never think a negative thought.” ~Peace Pilgrim
Why does it seem as if it takes more effort to cultivate positive mental states and habits then it does to cultivate negative ones? It seems as though negative habits and thoughts are effortless, whereas positive ones take effort and conscious awareness. This is because it does take more effort. Did you ever notice how our lovers, family members, or friends can do a thousand positive things, a thousand great acts toward us, but the one negative thing they do we harp on it as if that one negative thing negates the thousand. As soon as they do something we disapprove of we say, “How do I get them out of my life? That’s it! This relationship is over!”
The reason this happens is because the brain is primordially set up to absorb negative thinking and experiences. In fact, it believes that it is crucial to our survival to do so. Way back when we were cavemen and women and we were walking through the woods, we needed to remember the time that tiger lunged from the bushes and gashed our arm before we narrowly escaped with our lives, more than we needed to remember how beautiful that flower was that we passed. The brain’s survival instinct shields positive experiences so we can foster the negative in order to survive in the jungles that are our lives. You do live in the jungle don’t you? Well not most of us, in fact this primordial function of the brain is quite outdated, and in our modern world can be very destructive to not only ourselves but those around us as well. The brain is designed to protect the separate self, protection of the individual is key here in the primordial fight-or-flight system. The brain is an amazing organ when used properly. Yet, we must learn to become the masters of our brains lest we allow them to rule us with fears and anxieties and an outdated program that serves only to cause more pain in our lives.
In primordial times, the constant anxiety that welled up when we entered the woods would serve as a warning system for us to stay on guard. Yet, in our modern world we can be mindful of what we are doing and where we are. We don’t have to live in constant fear like wild animals. We don’t need incessant anxiety and worry to protect us. If we put our hands on a hot stove, and it burns us, we have enough intelligence not to do it again: we don’t need a constant anxiety about it and for it to dominate our brains unconsciously with fear—yet this is what happens. This is a simplistic example of what is going on all the time.
Fear has its place in our lives: we look both ways before we cross the street. But if that fear of getting hit by a car keeps us pinned to our bedroom walls and we never go out as a result, this can be unhealthy. We often lie in our beds completely safe from any harm, yet the brain keeps us locked in anxiety about something that might happen but isn’t happening now, and usually it’s something that never does happen. This ceaseless worry does not serve to help us in the situation at hand. In fact anxiety and worry lower our immune function and weaken muscle tissue, making us weaker and less capable of handling situations. Yet, the brain ignorantly believes it is protecting us by incessantly milling this in our minds.
Fear and negativity are just fantastic stories our minds create to try to protect us. Yet, the reality is that we are fine in this moment. As we sit here and read this, there is no danger, yet often, and perhaps right now, we may have fears and anxieties that take us from this present reality of perfection and peace. There is danger sometimes, but when we are mindful of each moment, we can easily divert danger as it comes, we don’t need to obsess over it.
The ancient Samurai knew this. They were the greatest warriors on the battlefield. In the midst of chaos, anger, and fear all around them on the battlefield, they were centered and clear, and thus the greatest warriors on the field. They trained their minds to do just that, and meditation was a staple for the Samurai as a means of training the mind. Ironically, the worry and fears and anxieties take us from the present moment, actually making us more prone to danger. A clear mind in the present moment is a strong mind and body ready to combat anything if need be.
We can learn to train our minds in positive thinking, the average human brain has anywhere from 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day, and of these thoughts about eighty percent are negative.
Again, we see this in our relationships: our mate can do a thousand positive things, but the one negative thing he or she does, we harp on it and brood over it as if that one negative thing negates the thousand positive. We suddenly search for ways to rid that person from our lives. This is a primordial fight-or-flight reaction, so recognize this when it comes up.
In traditional yoga, we learn positive thinking. We learn to cultivate positive minds. Observe your thoughts, observe your relationships, and see what your thoughts are about those relationships. Many times when we first get into relationships, we are blinded by the massive surge of serotonin that courses through the brain. Our partner can do no wrong. This is called the honeymoon phase. Soon things settle down and we start to notice things that annoy us, and often we don’t just notice them, but we brood over them. Soon we are looking at others, thinking how wonderful it would be to have a relationship with them. And so we leave our mates for another, and everything is great. They smell perfect. They say the right things. “Our soul mates!” we exclaim! But soon it happens again. After the honeymoon phase wares off, our primordial mind begins to shift to its eighty-percent negativity and starts creating all types of fantasies and stories of what’s wrong with the other person and how maybe, just maybe there is someone better who won’t have such negative aspects.
Well, I am here to say: turn the camera on yourself and observe those thoughts of the other. Try to shift to the twenty percent of positive thoughts, because what we focus on expands. And if we focus on the twenty percent of positive thoughts we have, we will begin to create a habit for positive thoughts and will foster the positive aspects in the ones who are close to us. This is not to say that some relationships just don’t work out for whatever reason. Yet, applying this method to all of our relationships will do wonders for our brains and create a more positive outlook and attitude. People will start to take notice, because you will be calmer, friendlier, and more joyful.
Make a list of twenty positive qualities of your lover, close friend, family member, or coworker—and when you find the mind slipping to the negative harping of the primordial brain, pull out the list. We can do this with ourselves as well. Often we get down on ourselves, sometimes treating ourselves worse than we would any other. As we have learned, we can stop and recognize these negative mind patterns, and in any moment shift to a more positive thought. We can pull out our sheets of our twenty good qualities and focus the mind on those. Remember we are what we think about, and our world is also a result of those thoughts. So we might as well think positive thoughts.
It is not easy to just stop worrying or being angry and so forth. It takes insight and training the mind in new thought patterns. Meditation is paramount in helping us retrain the habits of mind we currently have. In the basic forms of meditation, we become more mindful and settle the fight-or-flight monkey mind that dominates us most of the day. A simple breath meditation just five minutes a day can have profound effects on your health, both physically and mentally, and could be the start of new, empowering habits of mind.
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In any moment we can shift the focus on the good qualities about our self as well. We can choose to identify with the good, positive qualities of our self and others. This just needs to become a habit. So when you catch yourself focusing on the negative qualities, shift your focus. If you catch yourself, you will find that this is not that hard to do. So, like all things, we begin with recognizing that we are even doing it.
Feel free to leave questions, comments and stories of your own experiences below.
