Parenting: One Size Does NOT Fit All

When our first child is born we tend to look lovingly into their tiny face and analyze every feature. Do they have their mother’s or father’s nose? Do they have the same lips or eyes or ears as their parents? We focus on the physical, trying to connect to them on a purely superficial level. We want them to look like us, we want them to be us. We have ideas on what parenting our kids will be like.

The reality is, of course, that as our children grow and learn and mature, they might resemble us in looks, but they rarely resemble us on a more visceral level. While we expect them to act like we do, it’s the realization that they are different from us that sometimes stumps us when it comes to parenting.

How could my child not like what I like?

How could they not do well in school when I was a straight A student?

I used to have tons of friends, why is my child a loner?

Our children are from us, but they aren’t us. And they also aren’t each other. Parenting them the same would be like someone telling you that you have to like eating mushrooms or reading mysteries or hiking. One size does NOT fit all when it comes to parenting. When we understand what makes them tick, we can adjust our parenting to help guide them along their own personal path.

From The “Perfect” Parent:

Within the heart of our mind and the mind of our heart, we should accept our children just as they are and respect their individual personalities, honoring them for their ability to complement us and one another. Herman Hesse captured this intention in his story Narcissus and Goldmund:

We are sun and moon, dear friend; we are sea and land. It is not our purpose to become each other; it is to recognize each other, to learn to see the other and honor him for what he is: each the other’s opposite and complement.

Life with all of us the same would be rather boring and uneventful. Our differences should be celebrated and nurtured, even when our children sometimes make choices that don’t fit into the image we set for them. Maybe it’s time we start seeing them for what they are: fabulous individuals who, with our love and guidance, will follow their own path in life to become the adult they were meant to be.

 

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