March to the Beat of Your Own Horoscope

Pisces 

Never failing to excite, Astrology Zone’s Susan Thriller Miller begins your horoscope right: “The month starts out with a lovely interplay between Jupiter and Uranus.” Jupiter is the planet of good luck and Uranus is the planet of surprises. I’d assume luck is always an important factor when talking about interplay, surprises and Uranus, don’t you agree?

Today will present an opportunity for you to make a lot of money. Commenters, do tell: do you feel rich yet? By March 5, your focus will be on love. If it’s not love then it’s some sort of important relationship, but with Saturn the planet-not-the-defunct-car-company sending out good vibes to the new moon, this union sets a solid tone for the future.

Neptune, a planet that I don’t think we talk enough about (this changes today!) is working on its tan and hanging close to the sun while remaining in your sign. According to Suz, “Neptune takes 168 years to circle the Sun and the twelve signs of the zodiac, so it’s clear many people never get to experience what you will be experiencing now.” And what are you experiencing? Fame, apparently. Better start waxing your nostrils and whitening your teeth.

Aries 

You have something this month that no else seems to possess: energy. “Boundless energy” are Miller’s exact words, though it exhausts me just to type. You have a golden triangle linking up planets in fire signs which sounds like an illuminati spider bite but is protecting you during what’s sure to be a creative time in both career and the arts.

But take caution: Pluto and Uranus are going to get into a Real Housewives of the Solar System Reunion fight on March 15. It’s their 7th time getting into it, but the last of said brawls during your lifespan. The flying mouth spit surrounding their drama could cause someone in your work environment to block an idea of yours like an ex’s new girlfriend on Instagram. Keep your hoops in and be diplomatic. It pays off in the long run when you’re Andy Cohen’s favorite.

What’s RHOSS without a love interest, though? Today begins a string of days for you “that will bring romance when you least expect it.” What is to expect? An exceptional hair moment on March 16. Coincidence that March 16 is when season 2 of Southern Charm airs? I think not. The bigger the hair, the better the month. #blowout

Taurus 

If you actually read Astrology Zone, either to fact check me or to see who your celebrity astrological match is, then you’ll know that Susan Miller isn’t feeling well (get better Susan!!) and as a result many of her horoscopes were shorter this week. Taurus is the shortest because I believe she has a vendetta against the bull sign, but brevity is good news in the case of this month’s soft serve.

“The tender full moon of March 5 will be magically romantic,” she promises. “With Mercury in fine angle to Uranus, you might feel hit by lightning when you lock eyes with someone intriguing across the room at the full moon.” She cautions us to go slowly with any new relationship this month because that person may be unavailable (read: married). I simply caution us to not enter any rooms with glaring electricity hazards.

Finally, the solar eclipse of March 20 will be what Susan calls a “blessing” to our social life, “for it will generate lots of activity.”  That sounds like an oxymoron/nightmare to me because plans are the worst, but as with all solar eclipses: something ends (Downton Abbey) and something new (Downton Ackee) begins.

Gemini 

Explaining the concept of “friends with benefits” to those who we view in a maternal or grand-maternal light is uncomfortable and ten times out of ten never worth it. Susan Miller, however, is more with it than one might imagine and loudly suggests that he or she who’s been on the video games-and-more track in your life may suddenly add “and much, much more” to their title. You two are likely to DTR this weekend when Mars and Uranus will orbit near Venus.

“Things may happen spontaneously, to the surprise of you AND your partner,” she writes. Now, I’m not saying to not have fun, I’m just saying to be cautious when anyone uses the words “spontaneously” and “surprise” and “Uranus” in the same sentence. (See Pisces, note use of the additional word “luck.”)

Speaking of surprises and Uranus, you’re going to get a sudden golden beam from said planet…today! It’s going to be good news, but “good news” is subjective when you’ve taken the butt sex metaphor for one beat longer than anyone needed.

And because I personally need redemption: for the main part of March, your career will take a successful center stage.

Cancer 

Good things rarely come from hooking up in the workplace, but this month we have Uranus and Jupiter practicing foreplay during the same work shift which means that your career will explode.

Use March 10 to finally ask for a raise, impress your boss with a presentation or to clear the weird crap out from under your desk. Then, Susan and Ellie Goulding want you to mark March 11 as an “anything can happen day.” The former cautions you to look your best just in case while the latter wants you to raise one arm in the air with a glow stick.

“The solar eclipse on March 20 will broaden your horizons in a big, exciting way, doubly so if your birthday falls near July 20,” writes Susan. What does that unclear but hopeful sentiment mean? Travel, look into grad school, take the Bar, go to Bar Method, eat a chocolate bar, drink at a bar. The world is your oyster thanks to the eclipse, and you are Lupito Nyong’o’s dress.

Leo 

Your gumbo had a little bit more spice than the other horoscopes, Leo, and for that I’m going to avoid the Uranus jokes for a moment to talk about Saturn, which will go retrograde on March 14 and stay there until August 2. Hey Mercury, how does it feel to have someone else hogging all of the vacation days? “Any time a planet retrogrades,” Suze writers, “the cosmos urges you to deliberate about how things are going and to think about possible changes you might like to make.” During this time, you may either get back together with an ex or change your mind about the person you’re sharing McNuggets with now.

You’ll also notice the new moon solar eclipse on March 20th. Because the Sun rules your sign, you’re more effected by a solar eclipse as opposed to a lunar one, although none of us are safe from a total eclipse of the heart.

What does this particular sunny side up egg mean? Mad money, yo. It might come from royalties or a bonus or Cash Cab or my favorite kind of financial surprises — hidden, matured stock via the private wealth sector of the Bank of Surprise! You’re a Princess. The latter is totally plausible because according to a very, openly-biased Suz (AND HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN SAYING THIS, ALL NON-LEOS?): “You are the celestial favorite.”

This woman is shameless sometimes, I swear.

Virgo

You’re going to have one of those months where you keep on almost getting arrested on the subway because people assume you’re “playing with yourself” in public but what you’re really doing is trying to cram all of the cash back into your pockets. March 15 is the only day where finances may annoy you. Some bully may try to steal your milk money so just make sure you sneeze visibly and audibly on all dollar bills so that no one wants to touch them once you’re through. This is my personal strategy as of late.

The full moon this month will be in Virgo on March 5, “bringing attention to all your dreams and wishes.” Finally! Your friends will see the value in your favorite bar’s 80s cover band / fanny pack night and will attend alongside you in spandex and leg warmers so that you don’t have to go alone. If that’s not a dream then I don’t know what is.

Around the solar eclipse of March 20, you’ll experience an event of “great importance.” Susan mentioned a relationship of yours becoming more established, and brought up the theme of home improvement. Looks like you and a boyfriend are about to have a make or break Ikea moment. Keep Martha Stewart on speed dial in case you need to phone a friend.

And if you’re single? From March 17 until April 11, make sure you leave the office on time and hit happy hour as though the arm on your watch only points one way.

Libra 

Your celestial map is looking like an old cowboy movie this month as several planets are in the Western part of your chart (in your opposite sign of Aries) and they’re all like bang bang into the room!

So actually, this might be an Ariana Grande song.

What this means, in addition to tiny boots and high pony tails, is that you need to keep your cool when facing adversaries. Also, “sit back and let partners contribute their ideas,” suggests Suz. “You may find them quite agreeable and wish you had thought of them yourself!” Personally I wouldn’t have put an exclamation point there but she was clearly feeling generous and festive.

You may also start to feel run down this month. The “good news,” according to Susan, is that “your health will be assisted by the new moon solar eclipse of March 20.” What does she mean by that, specifically? It’s a great time to begin a fitness routine. (Insert more cheery Susan exclamations here –> !) Like I stated earlier, “good news” is subjective. But you know what my takeaway is? Once anyone besides Jen Selter deems it a “good time” to begin working out, summer is finally, hopefully, semi-officially on the way.

At least more than it was back in February.

Scorpio

You’re going to get a piece of news this month that arrives, completely unexpected, like a lightning bolt, from Uranus. Visualize that, Scorpian King. I comma’d the shit out of the sentence so you’d follow right along with me as though this were a wine and paint by numbers class.

Jupiter in your sign’s career sector is peacing out on August 11 (it’s going to Virgo if you’re in the mood for a fight) and won’t come back for 12 years. This may be because Uranus is throwing around lightning bolts, but it also may just be because that’s the way the solar system works. IDK, you made the diorama for science class, not me. The point is to make the most out of your career until August 11 so that you can reap the benefits once Jupiter’s gone. Work hard play hard, my lethal-tailed friend.

On March 15, Pluto — your ruler — will be “in sharp odds with Uranus.” Fiber should fix that! Or, per Susan’s solution, literally avoid this day. Just stay indoors and do nothing. It’s a Sunday, which means you have full permission to go buck wild on Saturday and nurse your hangover until Monday arrives.

As for love? Venus will be all up in the house of relationships and marriage on March 17 “sending sweet vibrations to Neptune in romantic Pisces.” Just make sure you don’t pack it in your suitcase!

Sagittarius 

You’ll feel the urge to travel this month (especially with your significant other), which is nice considering you’re half horse, half human and can therefore probably get places a lot faster on four hooves than those of us on two feet in this wintry mush. Did you know that in Nantucket, the waves have turned into 7-Eleven Slurpees? Well they have, and 9 out of 10 people still prefer the flavor cherry.

You have some sort of triangle happening thanks to Venus, Mars, and Uranus which will “add sugar and spice to your life.” Maybe you can mix it into your ocean Slurpee to eliminate the overwhelming taste of salt.

Like seemingly every other sign, your career will be on fiya this month (which is confusing, because then aren’t we essentially all competing? or maybe we’re all succeeding). Virgo in particular is blowing up your house of first place ribbons and trophy cases. Today (March 3) your brain will be especially hot.

Finally, “if you are single and not dating, but wish you were, you won’t be alone for long,” writes $uzan the Millionaire Matchmaker. “Wear perfume [or cologne!] and your favorite outfit, and dance the night away. This month you have a powerful magnetism that others will be aware of instantly.” Magnets rule. Don’t forget to use them as an excuse to sit weirdly close to someone!

Capricorn 

Apparently you’ve had Uranus, planet-o-butts (although Susan has recently taken to calling Uranus the “planet of sudden change”) in your house of home and family since March 2011. It does not take an astrologer to determine that when it comes to all things apartment/rent/roommate-related this translates to: pain in the ass. This month will change all that.

…Except on March 11, when Susan wants you to stay home (fake sick? It’s a Wednesday) but she cautions to avoid stepping on sharp plastic toys. Sometimes I think she’s projecting. Keep your cell phone in your hand at all times in case you slip or something.

Your ruling planet, Saturn, will go retrograde on March 14. “Do not start new projects,” Susan bosses. Instead, “assess your progress on ongoing projects, and make detailed tweaks.” Twerks, in other words. Put the words “ass-ess” and “tweaks” in the same sentence after ten horoscopes filled with Uranus innuendos and dare me not to make that twerk connection. You can’t because I just did.

In terms of love, be patient until the 17th. In terms of patience, practice twerking. Maybe you’ll use it to find love in a hopeless place.

Aquarius

Alright you. 

Let’s end this slew of ‘$copes the way they began: with a day (today!) of interplay between Jupiter (luck) and Uranus (surprise and travel). Goin UP on a Tuesday.

What this combination means besides butt stuff is that out of all the various relationships that can form in this world (friendship, partnership, lovership) one will really take hold and soar like an eagle whose mask has been removed by Jennifer Lawrence. Raise your wing if you watched Serena this weekend even though you meant to order Selena On Demand, but your TV robot misheard you.

Anywho, the decisions you make at the beginning of March will last.

“Quick, short travel seems to be written all over this month,” predicts Susan, “giving you plenty of opportunities to spontaneously head for a beautiful, sunny place.” I think I speak on behalf of the entire horoscope-reading community when I ask, “May I come?”

You have no choice but to say yes, because by March 20th you’ll see a “large influx of cash.” It would be kind of rude if you didn’t share the literal wealth. The green has potential to rain down after some sort of sale, so my advice to you? Do your spring cleaning before spring has spring, sell it, take the money, strap on some ice skates, and let’s run.

Want to see if last month’s predictions came true? Click here for past horoscopes.