Welcome to The Oscars

Important note before we proceed: this live blog is starting at 7 p.m. instead of 6 p.m. because there was an argument among the parties involved regarding E! and its televised place de naissance. Amelia couldn’t find the channel on her weird cable box while Esther, as if a fixture left over from The Stone Age remarked that she was watching on channel 7. I attempted to redirect both troglodytes to channel 696 which rendered nothing at all. Amelia finally E! on channel 164 and so, here we go.

Amelia: STEVE CARRELL IS LIKE MY IDEAL HUSBAND

Leandra: Can you expound upon that?

Amelia: LAURA DERN’S BLOWOUT FOR THE WIN AGAIN

Leandra: Do you think she uses a Con-Air blow dryer?

Amelia: Steve Carrel is HILARIOUS, handsome and seems like an insanely nice human

Leandra: He reminds me of your dad

Amelia: Guys the back of Marion Cottillard’s dress is gorgeous. Wait til she flips it and reverse it — watch her get made fun of in the tabloids though. UGH SEACREST GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY

Esther: She looks like a trypophobic guy’s nightmare in the best way

Leandra: Who’s this guy?

Esther: David Oyelowo

Leandra: What’s his significance, other than being the owner of the most unique marsala three-piece suit?

Amelia: Is this our first live marsala sighting?

Esther: The lead actor from Selma

Leandra: Oh gosh, I thought that Selma reference was directed towards Hayek. I don’t know why I’m allowed to own a computer.

Esther: Michael Keaton is on now!!!

Leandra: Wait, Felicity Jones, this was my hairspo? OMFG LUPITA!!!

Amelia: Pearlspo!

Amelia: LOLOLOLOL! OH STEVE [Carrell]! YOU SLAY ME!

Esther: Steve is so unrecognizable without his foxcatcher nose

Amelia: I’m unleashed

Leandra: Is Chrissy Teigen contoured or does she just have the worlds best cheek bones?

Amelia: Both

Esther: World’s best cheekbones

Amelia:  Chrissy Teigen is having the best year ever huh?

Esther: By osmosis through John Legend

Leandra: John Legend got me through the great break up of 2007.

Amelia: How many oysters died for Lupita’s dress?

Leandra: It reminds me of the evil orphan caretaker from Annie because Lupita is literally one of the women dripping in pearls

Amelia: OMG, Miles. I love him. This is too much. Is that his date?

Leandra: She can’t pronounce her designer!

Amelia: Okay, I am exercising my right to remain silent.

Amelia: I am so jealous for everyone on west coast time because when this ends, they still get to watch girls and go to bed at a normal time.

Amelia: Guys, would you have worn red shoes with that red dress?

Esther: Guys. Julianne Moore — her power is insane

Amelia: (Hello remember when she and steve carrel were married in crazy stupid love?)

Esther: No disrespect, but where does Khloe fit in here?

Amelia: Adult women do not say “twinsies”

Leandra: Neat smile

Leandra: GUYS! NEW OSCAR! From the runway to Sienna’s boday boday.

…

Leandra: Not sure why I haven’t said this yet but “Oscar at the Oscars”

Esther: Zukie just remarked on Giuliana: that woman is remarkably skinny

Leandra: Naomi Watts looks wonderful — I’m pleased to see so many smart decisons. Do you think this is a byproduct of the still-in-progress fashion weeks?

Amelia: Smart and dark — Naomi, Kate and Sienna are all wearing dark smart unfussy dresses

Esther: Crazy to see stylistic differences between the Oscars and the Grammy’s

Esther: The Apatows! Leslie Mann is killing it and so it Judd’s drink of choice

Amelia: I can’t wait to see what Emma Stone is wearing

Leandra: I can’t wait to see what Amber Thiessen is wearing

Leandra: …I mean Tiffany. I can’t even execute a pop culture joke properly.

Amelia: 6,000 oysters, RIP.

Amelia: Kate Blanchett has the best skin, it is actually psychotic.

Leandra: Is it, though, Amelia? Like do you think her skin needs to be institutionalized?

Amelia: I do! If she told me she licked Manhattan subways to get that skin, I would lick Manhattan subways too

Esther: I read she licked Manhattan subways, Amelia

Esther: I’m sick of the thigh slit business

Leandra: Khloe loves Rosamund Pike’s dress because it reminds her of her own.

Amelia: She’s wearing the same shoes that what’s her face wore to the prom in She’s All That.

Leandra: Pre-show high: Khloe Kardashiwhat calling Zoe Saldana’s pink gown, replete with satin train, better suited for DATE NIGHT.

Esther: Should Dakota be wearing grey? Or are my expectations too high?

Amelia: Wearing red is hard to pull off, which isn’t anyone’s fault but that rabbit. What’s her name? Rebecca Rabbit?

Esther: Jessica

Amelia: Oh yeah. You guys, tbt: here are the shoes Rosamund Pike is wearing:

Leandra: WHITE IS A BIG TREND? Reese Witherspoon looks beautiful. I am pretty impressed with the fashion and blame fashion week for it. Anyone else?

Amelia: I am impressed too. The stylists definitely went to fashion week and went, “Ah, ok time to be a lady…”

Esther: Speaking of which, is Downtown Abby on tonight?

Amelia: Who’s going to wear a kilt tonight?

Leandra: Why is Gwyneth’s skin the color of a tan mom’s?

Esther: Her dress screams, “I am consciously uncoupling.”

Leandra: “I have a vagina, hear it roar!” (Followed by a whisper…)

Amelia: A queef? Let’s vote on who this is: J Mendel? Zuhair? Ellie Saab? #formalpony?

Leandra: Nicole Kidman looks like such a cool fish, if I caught her I would 100% throw her back in. I hated the rainbow fish. I just feel like the mother fuckers around him should have been happy for his beautiful scales and not tried to rip them off him to the point where he was forced to give them away. It’s like, you don’t miss me accosting Alexa Chung and begging her to cut her legs off and insert them on me?

Amelia: Is that what happened in that book?

Leandra: He’s not a fighter, you know? (the rainbow fish, I mean).

Leandra: You dress as a couple?!?!?!??!??!?@!@!@?

Amelia: Do you also wear bff necklaces that break apart?!

Esther: The women on this panel are having way too much “fun?”

Esther: Emma Stone is here.

Amelia: I love her so much. Sometimes I think I am her then remember I am not and I eat 10 waffles at once.

Esther: Sometimes I think I’m Keira Knightley and then remember I’ve never acted in an English period piece.

Amelia: Is  there ANYTHING more awkward than Red Carpet hand placement for a woman? This is why everything needs pockets.

Esther: Is that why Lady Gaga is wearing red cooking mittens?

Amelia: I can’t wait until the Fat Jewish and or other meme-proliferating accounts make fun of Scarlett Johansson (where you can tell everyone was trying really hard to not be mean) and compare her to Old Gregg.

Amelia: Leandra how many press releases have you gotten so far?

Leandra: 38. You?

Amelia: So many.

Leandra: Thing Abie just said: “Twitter.com has so much going on right now”

Amelia: That’s my favorite website, Abie.

Leandra: Instead of, I think, just simply, “So many people are tweeting the Oscars.”

Esther: Did he say dot com?

Leandra: YES

Esther: Very important.

It is important, but that’s a wrap for the marsala carpet coverage! Follow us on Twitter and Snapchat (man_repeller) for live Oscar show coverage.