And the MR Oscar Nominees Are…

I have only ever been truly surprised once. On January 9th, 2015, Amelia Diamond changed my mortal life when she revealed to me that koalas have two penises. Penii, if you must.

I have been chasing that high ever since.

Do you want to know what never surprises me with its inability to surprise? The Oscars. The awards show is so consistently void of bombshells that I wonder why it is I continue to pop bottles and kernels for them year after year. It probably has something to do with my affinity for the nude male form sculpted in gold.

Either that or Neil Patrick Harris.

The 2015 Academy Awards are premiering this Sunday and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t the least bit excited to see Pharrell perform his 2014 smash hit, “Happy”! 

Ah pantyhose, that already happened. Twice.  

Nevertheless, I can’t help but feel as though some serious contenders have been wrongfully overlooked in the year’s nominations. Indeed, Birdman was a technical masterpiece and Boyhood a cinematic slice of life, but what of our silly pleasures like 50 Shades of Grey and The Hunger Games? What of the unsung heroes of the films that were nominated?

Such artistry must be recognized, and because at MR we are all about petting the underdog, behold our nominees for the 2015 Academy Awards:

Christian Grey’s Pencil 

50 Shades of Grey 

Pencil for Best Supporting Role. (His #2 lead pencil that Ana borrows during her interview with him, forgets to return, then chews on for the rest of the movie.)

Joaquin Phoenix’s Mutton Chops

Inherent Vice 

It’s due time that the Academy acknowledge the nobility of the overgrown sideburn.

Tony Revolori’s Mustache 

The Grand Budapest Hotel 

I have so many questions. Was MAC’s Penultimate eyeliner the inspiration for this creeping sloth of a ‘stache? Did it hurt when it fell from heaven? Will Prince be filing a lawsuit for copyright infringement?

J.K. Simmons’ Black Tee 

Whiplash 

J.K. Simmons is marvelous and terrifying as a ruthless mentor in a competitive music conservatory. He throws sticks, he yells bloody murder, conducts an orchestra with gusto and yet, his fitted black tee remains in tact for the entire duration of the film.

Steve Carell’s Prosthetic Nose 

Foxcatcher  

On more than one occasion during the 134 minutes of this film, I asked myself, Really, who is at the center of this story? Because this screen ain’t big enough for both Steve Carell and his beak. 

The Poster for Breastmilk 

Breastmilk 

I haven’t seen this movie nor have I heard of it but if this promo doesn’t scream, “MARKETING 101″ then I don’t know what does.

Jenny Slate’s Knitwear 

Obvious Child 

While I don’t need to be convinced of Slate’s strong turtleneck game, her collection in this film is particularly impressive.

Best Unintentional PR Campaign 

The Interview 

No doubt Sony, Seth Rogan and James Franco did not anticipate the political and media frenzy that their satirical comedy would prompt, but hey, what’s to say the film wouldn’t slip into oblivion if it hadn’t?

Laura Dern’s Blowout 

The Fault in Our Stars 

That’s it.

Ellar Coltranes IRL Mom 

Boyhood 

My mom complained about shuttling me to volleyball practice once a week; Ellar Coltrane’s mom was likely driving him to shoots and such for 11 years. So for her, we declare every day Mother’s Day.