Feedback Request

Revision of query featured in Face-Lift 1248




Dear Evil Vortex of Evil:
Wayward Collins has worked hard to stay a nobody. But that’s about to change.
Victorian London is a city of ghosts and demons, where unmagickals like Wayward are expendable. Wayward’s built his life around staying well away from everyone’s troubles except his own, but that all changes when [You've just said almost exactly what you said in the first two sentences. Which means you can dump the first two sentences.] a mistake one night leaves him blackmailed into the service of the wizard Lord Cadogan. ["A mistake leaves him blackmailed" is an awkward phrasing. I'm not sure we need the blackmail in the query anyway; if a wizard wants your services, you don't argue, even if he has nothing on you.] Aristocratic and powerful, Cadogan is everything Wayward despises, and he immediately plans to escape. But then one of Cadogan’s footmen is murdered by magical means, and Cadogan takes it upon himself to seek out the culprit. [Why? Would Sauron drop everything to seek the person who murdered one of his orcs? I tried a Darth Vader analogy earlier, but it didn't take.] Wayward might not have magic, but he has plenty of useful arcane knowledge, so Cadogan forces Wayward to assist him. [Useful arcane knowledge that Cadogan doesn't have?]
Wayward is determined to remain uncooperative. But being at Cadogan’s side marks him as a player, and his being involved in the murder investigation draws even more attention. Plenty of people are interested in whether Wayward can be bought or coerced into using his position to their advantage, [His position as a lowly non-magical servant? Hey Wayward, how about getting your wizard boss to make me some gold and jewels and kill my enemies.] and the anonymity that’s always kept him safe begins to crumble. Wayward’s default has always been flight not fight, but with Cadogan breathing down his neck and a non-magical police inspector sure that both Cadogan and Wayward know more than they’re letting on, escape is looking less and less likely. The only option is to do what he’s spent his life avoiding, and get involved—help Cadogan solve the case, try to outfox the police, and figure out how to use his new situation for his own gain. 
It’s a dangerous game for a nobody. It will cost him the secrecy he’s worked so hard to protect, [His anonymity crumbled in the previous paragraph, so it's a little late to worry about it now.] and the security that came with it. Even if Wayward does make it through all in one piece, his old life might not be waiting for him when he gets back. [Is that what he wants? His old life as a nobody? We want to read about someone with higher aspirations.]
Complete at 80,000 words, CHALK CIRCLES is the first of a planned series, but will also work as a standalone. It will appeal to fans of Catherine Webb, Benedict Jacka and Charlie Fletcher. [Never heard of any of them. But then I don't get out much.] I am a remote reader for Creative Authors Ltd, as well as a freelance editor and ghostwriter.
Thank you for your time and consideration.

Notes

With Cadogan breathing down Wayward's neck, how can all these other people try to buy or coerce him into assisting them in anything?

The noun Unmagickal has a "k" while the adjective non-magical doesn't. Just another reason the English language is unfathomable to the French. Actually, the word "Unmagickal" makes me think of the word "jackal."

All of that said, it's an improvement. Take out stuff that isn't essential and give Wayward a decent goal.