The Life & Times of a Lefty

My friends never ask me to save them seats next to me. When I was younger, classmates used to roll their eyes while I jabbed them with my elbow. On more than one occasion, I’ve built an angry line of subway riders behind me as I lumbered to swipe through the turnstile and while 90% of the human population was busy creating GIFs for Katy Perry’s costumed backup dancer now widely known as Left Shark, myself and the remaining 10%  felt a deep pang of empathy for the big fumbling fish out of water.

This is the life of a lefty.

They used to tell me I was special. That it didn’t matter when the sides of my hands were painted in the metallic lead of a pencil by day’s end, or that I was destined to the pitcher’s mound during camp baseball games because the only lefty glove on the ground was being used to hand out Fla-Vor-Ice in the cafeteria.

“Jimi Hendrix was a lefty, and he was the greatest guitarist of all time!”

My southpaw comrades know this one well. It’s a sentiment echoed only by the most dextral of the world’s right-handed patrons. They couldn’t give a pick, really. We’re supposed to live longer, but Jimi Hendrix died at 27. According to omgfacts.com, that’s only 39 years younger than the average left-hander.

I often joke to no one that I wasted the majority of my early years pretending to be gifted. By that I mean ambidextrous. I’d sooner hand in an essay written in chicken scratch then succumb to the classroom-desks-for-ants-and-right-handed-kids-who-can-write-well. I know Amelia feels me on this because she too — among other things — was born with the “creative gene.” –Esther

Thanks for passing the left-handed baton, Esther. I do understand the tribulations of handed-bias. Cutting with your average pair of scissors causes thumb cramps. This has taken about 100% of the fun out of crafting.

And consider the word alone: left. Its connotation is negative: “This is all that was left.” “Gross, leftovers?” Left is never going to end an argument (you’re right), and we’re never not going to feel left out. Did you know that the Latin word “sinister” originally meant left? Left turns in busy intersections are terrifying. There is never an option to make a left-on-red. Making a left turn at all in San Francisco is impossible, actually — you just make endless rights to get where you’re going. Victory after victory for the other side.

The worst part of being a leftie is the continual shock at our favored hand. Said as a statement (“I never knew you were a leftie!”), it is akin to pointing out you didn’t know someone had a nose. Said as form of bonding (“Alice is a leftie, like you!), it is akin to pointing out that you both have a nose, so you two should get along.

Said as a question, it’s just unnecessary. After a three-hour long standardized test: “You’re a leftie?!” Oh, no, I was just kidding during the SATs.

But Esther, let us not forget the good things of the port side, like Lisa Left Eye Lopes, Snoop Dogg’s blue flag and our left hand’s ability to make the L sign for Loser — which isn’t mean, it’s ’90s. We’re on trend. And while we are allegedly more susceptible to schizophrenia, and in practically every language the word’s etymology connotes something negative, I like to remind myself that left begins with an L. As in, L-I-V-I-N.

And really, how do we know that Left Shark wasn’t the one with the proper dance moves? Maybe Left Shark (who is technically Stage Right Shark) really had it…er, right, all along.  –Amelia