Shaving the Way to Equality

Two genders, both alike in dignity, in fair CVS, where we lay our scene. One with razors pink, purple and tropical; the other, blades orange and green, with an undeniable Tonka truck motif. A razor is a razor, but that’s where the similarities end. Women’s razors cost more, and it’s a damn scam.

Let us look at the evidence: search for men’s razors on CVS.com, and the prices range from a lolin’ $1.00 to $12.99 — the big leagues, with most razor pack prices hovering around $6.00. Look at women’s, and all the prices are hiked up a few dollars: the lowest-priced pack costs $2.99, the median is around $8.00 and a top of the line disposable shave is $15.

But prayer hands emoji be that in the face of a blatant pink tax, there’s a comically easy solution: buy men’s razors.

The only setback: the reviews for men’s razors are mostly from men using them on their faces. Not the best legfeel judges, I think we can agree. And in a world where people deep research mouthwash before buying in (people = me, I’ve done it and would do it again), it makes a difference to the women who stray.

Strangers in a strange land stick to the known; well-informed consumers can confidently go forth and break gender norms. And so it was that I ventured into the orange, green and gray, looking for the razors worth paying less for. My standard: Gillette’s Venus Disposable Razors Sensitive Skin, at $4.09 per razor. The contenders:

Bic Comfort 3 For Men Sensitive Skin ($1.25 per razor):

The cheapest of the bunch, the Bic lacked the pivot head I’m used to. And yet, it was still able to remove hair from my body. The shave is a tiny bit less close because it isn’t all up on you at every tenth angle, but on the whole, good results, and it excelled at the high-tension kneecap area. Zero gashes; would use again.

Gillette Sensor 3 Blade ($2.49 per razor)

These were the price in-betweeners, and I’ll be honest, my hopes may have been too high. It has “soft protective microfins” to protect from cuts, and I’ll be damned if that doesn’t sound like some Spy Kids-level technology. But I guess some people just toss around the word “microfins” these days, because all these guys had were draggy strips that didn’t do anything.

Aside from the betrayal, they were a good deal: with a pivot head and lower price than the Venus, they’re a middle ground you can feel good about. Ideally while laughing on the beach with your friends, taking back what is yours from Venus commercials.

Gillette Body 3 Blade ($5.89 per razor)

Whew, boy. The Body 3 blade is essentially the Venus, and after the others it felt just plain excessive. It works fine for shaving legs and elsewhere, but the three lubricating strips are overkill. No one needs that much glide. Despite its similarity to the Venus, it somehow costs a dollar per razor more, and thus the road runs both ways. Who knows. Men trying to get bare down there (“Body,” eh?) could be coming for our Soleils at this very moment.

All in all, go for the cheap beard blades. Razors with pivot heads give a slightly closer shave, but the bulky machinery adds time to cleaning them in between strokes. Unless you hate change, which is honorable and understandable, switching to non-pink razors has no downside. The upside? Heavier wallets.

Regardless of how you plead, shaving should ultimately be a want, not a need. (I didn’t mean that to rhyme.) In order to better match potential couples, OKCupid will ask women if they believe they have an “obligation” to shave their legs, and that’s some bullshit. Fresh-shaven skin feels good on sheets, but in the words of First Wives Diane, Bette and Goldie, no one owns you. Sasquatch, hairless cat or human woman going into winter, do you.

Images via Esquire and David Burton for Elle Russia