If You’re Thinking About What to Wear, Think About This

I came to a disturbing realization yesterday when, through the kind of caffeine jolt that is historically known to place the most simultaneously artificial and welcome “pep in my step,” I could barely not just get out of bed but subsequently utilize the muscles in my neck, which I have heretofore taken for spectacular granted, to keep my head up.

In messaging my lament to anyone who would listen, it occurred to me that I feel like a prisoner of the current climate. This has, of course, been propelled by an inability to wear what I want — the suede, lace up Johnny Weir/Bette Midler mash-up wunderkinds of my most recent footwear achievements, coupled with a pair of light wash, lightweight ripped, cropped and flared jeans and the kind of shirt that can hold its own and doesn’t quite need an underlying turtleneck to give it character.

Instead, I was forced to opt for bullshit ice-resistant traction shoes and several layers of legging thus rendering all jeans too tight. Is this what pregnancy will feel like? I won’t stand for it, which is precisely why as I began inching out my door, I said “fuck it,” took off the boots, the leggings and more of the leggings to change into a moot pair of fla$hy or trashy leopard print boots and those wanted. Was I was cold? A little. Did I feel 67382 degrees better? Absolutely.

So here’s what I propose: if you’re thinking about what to wear today, or tomorrow, or Monday, think about what to wear — not what will keep you warm. I’m going for the following.

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1. These cropped and flared Asos overalls, which feature a rip and will therefore look pretty cool with a pair of dotted sheer tights beneath them.

2. The now-ubiquitous J. Crew turtleneck, which I choose to wear in a shade of diarrhea green because I think it will pair well with:

3. This similarly colored button down shirt. I will button it until just about nipple height and likely opt for some version of a gold choker (4) to wear over the turtleneck portion of this party.

5. Now I’m thinking cardigan. So you see, I’m still relatively warm, I’m just not forcing it.

As for the grand finale — my shoes? First things first: camp socks. And because I’m wearing overalls that are kind enough to consider both the faint and thrill of heel, something in between, like, say, these.

Et voila: fashion prozac. You with me?